Talking about Jesus with non-Christian friends is a lot like talking about sex with children. The parallel is imperfect, I know. Still, I'm surprised at how much insight can be drawn from such a comparison. Think about it with me.

First of all, conversations about Jesus or about sex are best done in the context of relationship. Not that open-air preaching or 7th grade health classes are inappropriate; they're just not the most effective. Such significant conversations typically work a lot better when nurtured by hours and hours of developing and observing a trustworthy relationship. Just like kids are naturally inclined to trust their parents for life's most important lessons (provided, of course, that the parents generally prove themselves to be trustworthy), non-Christians will be a lot more willing to listen to a friend sharing about Jesus if they're confident that the friendship is a real friendship: not just some bait-and-switch evangelistic technique. On the other hand, if some stranger just walks up and starts unloading on a non-Christian about Jesus, or unloading on an elementary school kid about sex, it just feels perverse and inappropriate. On rare occasions, such random interactions can work out all right -- especially when involving direct questions and audience-appropriate answers reflecting a sense of delicacy and propriety. But more often than not, the uninitiated can walk away from these out-of-the-blue interactions feeling violated and disturbed.

Secondarily, my experience suggests that Jesus-education and sex-education work best when given in small doses -- not in one awkward, overwhelming information dump. With our children, for instance, my wife and I started their "sex-education" very young -- with simple bath-time reminders about the privacy of one's private parts (aimed at protecting them from any kind of inappropriate touching). As they grew and became aware of their bodies, we spoke frankly with them about the proper names and functions for each part of the human anatomy. And when we sensed the time was right -- based on a subjective analysis of their mental development and social stimuli -- we deliberately filled them in on the more complete picture of how sex works and what sex means. With our children, this has pretty much meant "full disclosure" by early elementary school age: not too early in life, before they were really ready to handle such information, but not too late in life either, after they'd already figured things out for themselves through alternative sources of information (or misinformation). Timely, relaxed, contextualized, candid, and considerate communication has informed our children's sex-education each step of the way, and as a result we've never really had the awkward "moment of epiphany." Their awareness of sex has simply developed as the rest of their consciousness has developed. It's been great, honestly. But how often do Christians get to experience this same dynamic in their attempts at "Jesus-education" among their non-Christian friends?

Too often, we put too much emphasis on "The Talk." And too often, this happens too late in the relationship (if ever). Perhaps it's because this is how we, ourselves, first learned about Jesus or about sex -- but our minds naturally seem to drift towards this image of a single, solemn, monumental presentation of all the relevant information in one sitting. We get nervous about giving "The Talk," but eventually we psyche ourselves up for it and plow through it with little awareness of how the information is actually being received. Then, we give a little slap on the back, say "I'm glad that we had this talk," and then go on about our business without ever checking back in for further processing. It doesn't work well for middle-school children learning about sex, and it doesn't work well for non-Christians learning about Jesus.

Finally, the attitude of the initiated toward the subject sets the tone for everything. Those of us who are coming from a place of experience can make it seem really awkward and uncomfortable -- even as we're trying to say how natural and how great it really is to know Jesus, or to experience sex. It's in our non-verbals, as well as the language that we use to describe things. If the initiated individual is comfortable talking about the subject, then the uninitiated will also feel comfortable most of the time. But awkwardness breeds awkwardness, and sometimes these conversations can go so badly that we're emotionally-scarred for many years thereafter.

I don't always handle these conversations perfectly -- either with Jesus-education or with sex-education -- but I'm learning as I go. And if you ask me, learning is a very good thing.

On Sunday (the 29th of May), I spoke at Amsterdam50's weekly worship gathering on the topic of Marriage and Sex, applying wisdom from the Proverbs of Solomon to 21st Century life. On Monday (the 30th of May), my wife and I celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary. Consequently, I thought it might be interesting to adapt and improve some of my material on "The Goodness of Marriage" for use here on my blog, in serial form.

I started with providing a brief introduction to the series. I then followed up with a defense of marriage based on the topics of integrity, self-control, and submission. Now, in conclusion, I present some encouragement and exhortation for others to experience the Goodness of Marriage:

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Marriage is good. I'm firmly convinced of this fact. As a father, I hope that my children will one day get to experience the goodness of a God-given marriage. Likewise, as a pastor, I sincerely hope that many of the people in my church will get to experience the goodness of a God-given marriage. In our church, particularly, I'm always struck by the fact that we've got a lot of single people in our church -- dozens and dozens of people who are highly eligible and genuinely ready for marriage. Therefore, I think there's something really healthy about regularly celebrating the goodness of sex and the goodness of marriage -- blessing and encouraging young people to “Be fruitful and multiply!” (Genesis 1:28)

In order to experience the goodness of marriage, however, I've come to realize that some of the people in my church actually need to be encouraged to lower their standards a bit.

It sounds crazy to say this, doesn't it? But I've seen it so many times that it's hard to ignore. So many people are looking so desperately for “Mr. Right” or “Ms. Right” -- and in all the frantic searching for that special someone who shares all one's interests and completely conforms to the perfect physical specimen one had envisioned for one's spouse, people end up missing out on some really quality people right in front of them! Proverbs 31:30 says, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Don't forget: No matter who you end up with, they’re going to disappoint you in some way. But if you can find someone who fears the LORD, then you’re off to a really good start.

For other people within my church, I've come to see that they need to be encouraged to raise their standards a bit, in order to experience the goodness of marriage.

Too many men and women underestimate themselves. They just jump at the first person who catches their eye or expresses an interest in them, and such situations inevitably backfire. Time and time again, I've had to tell young people that a level of spontaneity and spark is nice -- but it’s not going to work out well, if you join yourself with someone who will ultimately bring you down emotionally and spiritually. Proverbs 12:4 says that "A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones." Beyond this reference, there are two separate places in the Proverbs (Proverbs 21:9 and Proverbs 25:24) where it says, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” And then Proverbs 21:19 takes it even a step further: “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife!” As good as marriage can be, if it's provided as a gift from the Lord, it can also be very, very bad if it's not pursued with wisdom and a modicum of foresight.

By all means, I like to encourage people to pursue the goodness of sex and marriage! But this encouragement and exhortation must be tempered with wisdom, balance, and realistic expectations if marriage is to be truly experienced as goodness.

On Sunday (the 29th of May), I spoke at Amsterdam50's weekly worship gathering on the topic of Marriage and Sex, applying wisdom from the Proverbs of Solomon to 21st Century life. On Monday (the 30th of May), my wife and I celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary. Consequently, I thought it might be interesting to adapt and improve some of my material on "The Goodness of Marriage" for use here on my blog, in serial form.

I started with providing a brief introduction to the series, and I followed that up with a defense of marriage based on the topic of integrity, and a defense of marriage based on the topic of self-control. Now finally leading up to my conclusion, I move on to a defense of marriage based on the topic of submission:

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The idea of "integrity" still has a good deal of appeal in our culture, don't you think? "Self-control" might be a step down from there, but it's still somewhat positive. "Submission," though? The word sounds unpleasant. It feels like oppression. It seems like something to be avoided.

But I actually believe that there's something really beautiful about submission. I believe this to be true in all areas of human relationships, but especially within the context of marriage. We need to affirm and uphold the goodness of marriage because it is an example of submitting ourselves to the greater wisdom of the Bible and historical precedent. Now, even though this ultimately falling back on the classic "because the Bible says so" kind of argument -- which doesn’t always sit well with our cultural preferences -- I still think it's a valid argument!

Proverbs 22:28 says, "Do not move an ancient boundary stone set up by your forefathers." Just because we're strong enough to pick up a stone and smart enough to establish a reasonably-coherent argument for relocating some particular stone, that doesn't mean that we should just go ahead and do it. That stone may well be there for a good reason, and moving such an ancient boundary is needlessly endangering ourselves. As simplistic as it may sound to say so, I believe we shouldn't be quick to dismiss the witness of the Bible and of historical precedent. We like to think we know better; but honestly, this isn't usually the case. Of course, submitting to the Bible's teaching on the subject of marriage requires a degree of humility and submission. But if any authority is worth submitting to, it's God and the Bible. We may not always understand all of the reasons behind any of the Bible's directives, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't submit.

In any event, I can speak from practical experience that a lot of submission and sacrifice (mutual submission and sacrifice!) has to happen in order for a marriage (or any kind of long-term relationship) to work out. Two different people have two different perspectives, and unless a couple is going to spend all their time arguing, they have to quickly figure out ways to compromise and submit to one another. Submission is useful for upholding the goodness of marriage, and for making marriage good. To read more on this subject, Ephesians 5 provides some excellent thoughts for supporting the value of submission, particularly within the context of marriage -- but I’ll let you read that for yourself, if you want to hear more about the value of submission and sacrifice. I just think I'd be remiss if I didn't simply state: There is wisdom and benefit in submission.

On Sunday (the 29th of May), I spoke at Amsterdam50's weekly worship gathering on the topic of Marriage and Sex, applying wisdom from the Proverbs of Solomon to 21st Century life. On Monday (the 30th of May), my wife and I celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary. Consequently, I thought it might be interesting to adapt (and improve) some of my material on "The Goodness of Marriage" for use here on my blog, in serial form. Now that I've provided a brief introduction to the series, and a defense of marriage based on the topic of integrity, I now move on to a defense of marriage based on the topic of self-control:

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The Proverbs also have a lot to say about self-discipline and self-control, as an expression of wisdom; and I think that saving sex for marriage is an excellent way to develop this kind of self-control.

Proverbs 20:25 says, "It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider his vows." Of course, this could certainly apply to situations of rushed marriages (i.e. "shotgun weddings") just as much as to premarital sex. So maybe that spontaneous city hall / wedding-in-the-park idea is not the best choice for initiating a lifetime of commitment! :-) But actually... at least with a scenario like that, there’s a moment of pause when the city official asks if you’re really, consciously, committing to each other, and again when you make public promises to each other in front of friends and in front of God. It slows the process down a bit and allows for clear-headedness. Waiting to have sex until after being married is an excellent way to foster self-control and provide some time for considering one's vows, outside the "heat of the moment" and the rush of hormones that can heavily influence a couple in those private bedroom decisions.

Proverbs 25:28 says, "Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control." And in the same way, a couple without self-control is going to be extremely susceptible to attacks. The relationship is exponentially more-likely to crumble. As old-fashioned as saving sex for marriage may sound to some people, I have yet to see a better way to test and demonstrate self-control in a relational context. Self-control is a foundational element in building trust and establishing a healthy relationship. Especially in a marriage relationship! No matter what (even if you're married to the most beautiful, most kind, most affectionate person), there will be times of temptation and doubt and compromised emotions, when decisions have to be made on the basis of self-discipline and not just on what's happening in the moment. Therefore, waiting to have sex until after marriage is a great way to exercise self-discipline -- and to see if your partner is willing / able to exercise that same level of self-discipline.

Self-control may actually be something of a misnomer -- as I actually believe that we need to let the Holy Spirit control us, in order to fully live as God intends us to live. But according to Galatians 5, one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit in our lives is "self-control," and I'm suggesting that this is precisely what is needed in order for a relationship to succeed.

On Sunday (the 29th of May), I spoke at Amsterdam50's weekly worship gathering on the topic of Marriage and Sex, applying wisdom from the Proverbs of Solomon to 21st Century life. On Monday (the 30th of May), my wife and I celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary. Consequently, I thought it might be interesting to adapt (and improve) some of my material on "The Goodness of Marriage" for use here on my blog, in serial form. Now that I've provided a brief introduction to the series, I'm moving on to a defense of marriage based on the topic of integrity:

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Integrity basically means having one's words and one's actions in alignment with each other. The word speaks of wholeness and entirety, where the exterior is made of the same stuff as the interior. It’s solid all the way through. And the Proverbs regularly say that there’s wisdom and protection when a person walks in integrity. For instance, Proverbs 11:3 says, "The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity." I think we probably all get this on a pretty intuitive level. But basically, I believe embracing marriage -- both in word and in deed -- is a way to walk in integrity.

Just about everyone would probably agree that it's not good when someone promises that they're going to be faithful to another person (i.e. in a wedding ceremony), and then later on, he or she lacks integrity and breaks that promise... But I would contend that it's also not good when someone takes action (even loving, faithful, monogamous action) without being willing to put words to it and accept the "complete package" of a marital relationship -- because this is also a lack of integrity. A person who plays the part of being married while not actually being married does not have his or her actions and words in proper alignment.

Again, according to the Proverbs, there is a strength and blessing that comes from walking in integrity. Proverbs 13:6 says, "Righteousness guards the person of integrity, but wickedness overthrows the sinner." And Proverbs 10:9 says, "Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out."

So you know those people who say, ““What’s the big deal with marriage?” and “Do I really need some piece of paper from the government or the blessing of some religious leader in order to stay committed to the person of my choice?!?” I can totally understand their point! But if they’re saying that the government paperwork and the outward ceremonies are just not that important, I would just say, "OK -- if it's not that big of a deal, why don't you just do it?" Anyone who wanted to could make an appointment with the city hall (in Amsterdam, the waiting period for processing this paperwork is typically about six weeks) and get all the appropriate legal paperwork on file. Then following the civil ceremony, I would be more than willing to meet the couple in the park afterwards with some friends to "officiate" an informal wedding ceremony and help commit their relationship to God.

Indeed it doesn't have to be some "big white wedding" that costs thousands and thousands of euros! The bride could be holding a bouquet of daisies and dandelions, and it would still be a meaningful moment. But there's still something to an actual wedding (however informal it may be) which allows for a degree of integrity which a couple just doesn’t get with private bedroom decisions.

Of course, we all want to avoid the lack of integrity that comes with marriages full of broken promises and adultery -- and we've all seen far too much of this in the last couple generations of societal development. However, the antidote to this problem is not to just drop the titles and promises. It's to live in integrity, with our words and actions in alignment. God blesses integrity.