[This is part six of a series on Dating and Relationships:  bypassing Christian rhetoric and examining the best models for interactions between men and women with candor, honesty, and directness.  Tough questions are encouraged, controversy is invited, and the submission of differing opinions is welcomed -- so please feel free to comment as often as you'd like.]

We've had a bit of a dramatic pause in this series on Dating and Relationships (which, ironically, personifies the ultimate result of these processes of Dating and Relationships and Sexuality and Spirituality that I've been outlining in in this space recently)... But now it is time to conclude this series.  And in my practically-oriented mind, it's always best to finish with the question:  So what?

Maybe you've asked a lot of the same questions that we've been asking in this series... But so what?  Maybe you found yourself nodding your head in agreement and understanding of my explanation of the scale between the Fonz and Lady Dashwood regarding various dating philosophies... But so what?  Maybe you enjoyed hearing the story of how Marci and I got together... But so what?  Perhaps you were able to pick up a few pointers from our successes and failures... But so what?  Maybe you can intellectually assent to the principles for dating as a decision-making process that I laid out... But really -- so what?

When it all boils down, what is the end-result?  In the "real world" of day-to-day living and interacting with the opposite sex, what should be our protocol and practices for dating and relationships?  This is essentially what I'm asking when I say "So what?"  Wouldn't we all like to know the answers to these types of questions?

Unfortunately, I cannot really offer any definitive black-and-white answers for these questions.

The fact of the matter is that personally, I don't believe there is any single "right" way to go about dating and relationships.  I don't hold to any hard-fast rules for getting from Point A (singleness) to Point B (marriage).  In fact, I think that this process is quite necessarily different for each individual and for each couple.  I know some couples who started as high school sweethearts, beginning with purely casual dating (just having fun together in social situations, with no concrete goals for their relationship in mind), and and who then progressed very slowly toward deeper commitment -- going from casual dating to declaring an exclusive dating relationship to engagement to marriage -- and things have worked out well for them.  I know other couples who started with quiet captivation and unspoken affection, nursed by prayer and cautious observation over a period of months or even years before jumping into a relatively brief period of serious "courting" followed by engagement and marriage within a few short months -- and things have worked out well for them as well.  I know couples who have covered the ground from Point A (singleness) to Point B (marriage) in three months or so; and I know couples who have stretched this process out over the better part of a decade -- but I honestly can't say declare that things have turned out significantly better or worse for one or the other (at least not purely on the basis of how they got into the relationship in the first place).  I know happy and healthy couples who have met in stereotypical social environments... in Bible studies... in on-line forums... in church youth groups... and in match-made situations (i.e. blind dates, even arranged marriages)... thus, clearly it would seem that none of these individual variables are independently determinative.  Quite simply, different styles of dating and relationships have different strengths and weaknesses -- and really, who am I to declare that one way is the "right" way to approach dating and relationships, and another is the "wrong" way?!?!

Even so, that doesn't mean that the "So what?" questions are entirely irrelevant or unanswerable.

The fact of the matter is that guiding principles and a general understanding of the unique challenges represented in dating relationships can be very valuable and instructive -- even if the end results end up looking and feeling remarkably different.  Too often, we're tempted to pit models and techniques against each other, without considering the most foundational principles that can transcend any particular terminology or philosophy.  Thus, if I were to bypass the specifics of who should say what at which point -- and narrow it all down to a few basic principles, I would encourage any singles or prospective couples to focus their attention on communication, consideration, and conditionality (yes, I realize that the alliterated three-point conclusion might be a bit cheesy and clichéed -- but it can be a useful mnemonic device nevertheless!).  I'll do my best to briefly explain what I mean...

Communication, as previously suggested in this series, is one of the most important elements in any kind of relationship.  As unromantic as it may seem, I encourage young couples (or prospective couples) to be as explicit and deliberate as possible in defining terminology, phraseology, and expectations -- even from the earliest days of a relationship.  It's important to realize that specific sets of behaviors are called by dozens of different names -- depending on cultural background, family background, and life experience.  One person's "dating" is another person's "courting" and still another person's "pre-engagement" (you get the idea)...  The words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" have strong semantic associations for different people.  Using the phrase "I love you" can mean surprisingly different things to different people.  Even the act of "asking someone out" or going on a "first date" can create widely varying expectations, depending on the individual (oh, the stories I could tell from the misunderstandings that I've heard cropping up along these lines!)...

Again, I think it's beneficial to establish clear communication on some of these tricky issues from the very beginning of a relationship.  Granted, it can be awkward or uncomfortable to deal with these topics on a first or second date.  Still, conversation along these lines doesn't have to take on the character of an interrogation or an inquisition!  It can take on the form of talking about what each other's families and parents' relationships are like.  It can be telling funny stories from previous relational misunderstandings.  It can be painting idealistic pictures of how one always dreamed one's life would look like... Or, then again, it could be simple and straightforward -- asking when a particular terminology comes up, "So what do you mean when you use that word?"  These are just a few ideas or suggestions.  Regardless of how it's accomplished, good communication is foundational to a successful relationship.

As a second point, Consideration means thinking first and foremost to the interests of the other person, over and above one's own self-interests.  Of course, this is a fundamental part of living as a disciple of Jesus Christ.  But particularly in the context of dating and relationships, it can be extremely valuable to continually put yourself in a place where you're constantly evaluating everything you say and do in the context of how it might affect the other person.  Not only is this good practice for marriage (should anything eventually come of the dating process) -- but it's simply the loving and caring thing to do (which is supposedly what dating and relationships are all about)!

To reiterate what I've already said earlier, I don't believe that there is any inherrently wrong way to go about expressing interest in the possibilities of a romantic relationship with another person, or any inherrently wrong way to go about developing that relationship (within the guidelines provided in the Bible, as ennumerated in the previous episode of this series)...  In fact, there is a lot of freedom of expression and allowance for individuality -- except when it comes to hurting another person.  In 1 Corinthians 8:9-13, the Apostle Paul is remarkably clear and to the point in his exhortation toward selfless and considerate attitudes in the expression of one's "rights" and freedoms in Christ.  If it's going to cause the other person to stumble, don't do it!  Maybe it doesn't mean anything to you to ask someone out on a date -- but if it will stir serious emotions within that other person, then think carefully before you ask that person out and act carefully in the early stages of a relationship... Maybe it doesn't really mean anything to you to give a "harmless" peck on the cheek at the end of an evening out -- but if it will set the other person off in the direction of lust and sexually impure thoughts, then don't do it... Maybe in your mind the word "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is a casual word that doesn't necessarily mean anything serious or long-term -- but if the other person will be tempted to be misled or to draw inappropriate conclusions about the long-term trajectory of your relationship, then refrain from using that word until the right time!  And in all these things, when in doubt, refer to the principles for Communication listed above.

From the message of Jesus and from my own experience (and vicarious experience through conversation with countless other individuals), I've seen time and time again how important it is consider the emotional needs of the other person, before following any particular course of action because of your own desires or "needs."  Without a doubt, Consideration can be an invaluable tool to developing healthy guidelines in dating and relationships.

And finally, it can be useful to think about dating and relationships in terms of Conditionality.  Conditionality in such a context means that any male/female relationship -- no matter how cosmic, powerful, and meaningful as it might seem at any given moment, to one or both parties involved -- must maintain a degree of tentativity, separation, and restraint all the way until the marriage vows are spoken before God and each other.  Proverbs 4:23, one of the most valuable verses (if not the most valuable verse) for people considering dating and relationships, says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."  This means withholding portions of oneself -- as unromantic as it may seem -- until such a time that the union can be complete; and until the wedding vows are actually exchanged, there's really no way of knowing for sure if that other person will be one's future spouse.  Again, I'll leave the specific interpretation up to you -- but please, if anyone out there is trying to navigate their way through the treacherous terrain of dating and relationships, please remember to guard your heart above all else, for it is the wellspring of life.

Without a doubt, the "So what?" questions can never be answered by some guy pouring his thoughts into the blogosphere.  These things are too personal, too individualized, too intangible.  Perhaps it was silly for me to even circle around the topic as much as I have.  But with these words of wisdom from the Great Book of Wisdom, I will close this series on Dating and Relationships.  If anyone would like to continue the dialogue in the "Comments" section of this post, I would be glad for the opportunity to interact further... And until next time, please, please remember -- above all else -- to guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

[This is part five of a series on Dating and Relationships:  bypassing Christian rhetoric and examining the best models for interactions between men and women with candor, honesty, and directness.  Tough questions are encouraged, controversy is invited, and the submission of differing opinions is welcomed -- so please feel free to comment as often as you'd like.]

OK.  All right.  Where are we?  Let's see... I've covered the experiential aspect of my perspective on dating and relationships; so now I suppose it's time for the theoretical and philosophical... There are a lot of questions that go along these lines.  What are the basic underlying principles that should guide the interactions between single men and women?  How do we practically navigate the tensions between 21st Century concepts of romance and timeless Christ-centered concepts of general interpersonal conduct?  What should a godly relationship look like, sound like, and feel like?  What would God have to say (if anything) about dating and relationships?

So... I should start with clearly stating my belief that dating is nothing more than a social and cultural construct.  Not metaphysical or spiritual or transcendent -- merely cultural...  As such, I don't really believe in any single "Biblical" approach to dating and relationships in 21st Century Western society.  For more reasons than one, I think it's silly to ask the question:  HWJD? (How Would Jesus Date?).  If you tend to think this way, I won't criticize you -- but at least now you know a bit of where I'm coming from...

So, then, what is the best way to principally approach the idea of dating?  I believe that dating is, in essence, a decision-making process -- a way of processing the possibilities for potential life partners and making informed choices for the future.  I don't tend to think of it as a purely recreational activity or weekend hobby... I don't tend to think of it as a social learning process... I think of it as a decision-making process -- a custom-designed avenue for making a decision in gradual steps, over a period of time, considering a variety of criteria.  Consequently, I genuinely believe that dating should basically be treated as any other kind of decision-making process.  And on the more general level (apart from the specific question of dating), I've come to believe that decision-making is best accomplished through the consideration of five primary criteria:  the Bible, prayer, counsel from others, circumstances, and time (essentially in this order).  So let me show you a bit of what I mean, in the specific context of dating and relationships...

The Bible

The Bible is an invaluable tool for decision-making, as it provides timeless, black-and-white wisdom representing the very heart and mind of God for just about every imaginable area of human existence.  However, for the particular question at hand, I'm afraid the Bible actually says nothing about "dating" (or "courting").  I tried looking it up, actually, in my exhaustive NIV concordance, and the only associations I was able to come up with for the word(s) "date/dating" were references to "dates on the calendar" or the edible kind (like "nuts and dates") -- or, in the case of "court/courting" I could only find inferences of "courtyards to palaces" or "courts of law" or things like that...  In the historical period(s) and regional culture(s) of the Bible, male/female relationships were primarily arranged by the parents -- so unfortunately, specific guidelines for the more modern conventions of dating are hard to come by.  Even so, I believe that the Bible offers considerable wisdom relating to the general interaction between men and women, and thus (in a way) principles for dating and relationships.

From studying the Bible, we can learn how male/female relationships are a God-given, valuable, and meaningful part of life -- but they are not the be-all-end-all of human existence.  Relationships can be something powerful and useful for the Kingdom of God, but they are not a means of making someone "complete" (á la the climactic cinematic moment in "Jerry Maquire"); on the contrary, the Bible explicitly states that Jesus is all we need for life and godliness.  Once this basic footing can be established -- and male/female relationships are given their proper context -- the Bible also offers a lot of practical instruction for the issues of marriage, contentedness, and sexuality.  Another (unrelated) section of the Bible that I really wish every eligible single would take to heart in the beginning stages of considering a relationship is the crystal-clear mandate that followers of Jesus are not to be yoked (connected, linked, lashed together) to unbelievers.  Thus, particularly when it comes to the area of potentially joining lives together (which is essentially the goal of any sort of dating), I believe that the Bible says it's vitally important to limit the "playing field" to fellow believers in Christ.  Still other sections of the Bible can illuminate that basic principles for how men and women are ultimately designed to interact and the long-lasting effects of male/female relationships... So, yeah -- there's quite a bit in the Bible, actually, when you start to think about it!

Personally, I believe that the most significant Bible passages for young men and women pursuing involved in dating and relationships can be found in 1 Corinthians 8:9-13 -- encouraging selfless and considerate attitudes in the expression of one's "rights" and freedoms in Christ -- and Proverbs 4:23, which says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."  In the final episode of this series, I hope to explain exactly why I feel these passages are so important, and I hope to sketch out more of the application of these principles... But for now, I'll just leave it at that.

Suffice to say:  I believe that the Bible can offer a lot of wisdom and insight to the decision-making process that we call "dating."  Granted, you're not going to find much in the way of how to ask a girl out for a date, or what kind of specific physical boundaries should be maintained during the course of a dating relationship... But following the references above, I trust that anyone would be able to gain solid footing for making wise decisions in the area of dating and relationships.  Ultimately, the Scriptures' role is to establish the general boundaries and guidelines to guide the interactions between men and women -- with broad strokes and basic principles.  Building on this foundation, then, one can utilize the other criteria for godly decision-making, turning next to Prayer...

Prayer

It's not very common that God will speak audibly and specifically about a particular person or possibility (not altogether impossible, but not very common all the same).  Even so, prayer -- which is basically just communing and communicating with God -- can be a valuable way of bringing our will and emotions in line with God's.  Whenever a potential relationship is being considered, and whenever a potential relationship seems to hold promise for general alignment with the concrete guidelines laid out in the Bible, prayer can be a vital means of determining if it's right to pursue a relationship or not.  Through all of my conversations with different singles throughout the years, I've discovered that it's most beneficial to pray for (1) persistent peace from God and (2) persistent excitement about the other person.  If, over an extended period of prayer, it seems more and more that God is providing a sense of peace and direction toward a particular individual -- and if, over an extended period of prayer, the excitement toward that individual seems to build (and center around good and godly criteria)... then I'd suggest it might be wise to move toward the next element in godly decision-making:  Counsel from Others...

Counsel from Others

I believe that the Holy Spirit is a living and active part of each individual who has chosen to follow Christ.  And as such, there's something very powerful and divine about talking with other godly men and women who can help to evaluate any kind of decision-making situation (and especially situations involving dating and relationships).  For me, I've found it's especially valuable to process my emotions and ideas with people who have been with me through many seasons of life and have come to understand how I generally respond to certain stimuli and form opinions about various subjects.  They know me.  They know the traps that I can so quickly and blindly fall into.  They know if I'm stubbornly persisting in my will or humbly submitting myself to God's will -- and they can call me out on things and challenge me (or encourage me) accordingly.  Friends like these are invaluable!

In the context of dating and relationships, of course, it's foolish and immature to talk endlessly in circles about the possibilities for a relationship with a "special someone" with dozens of other people before actually talking to that "special someone" directly.  Such endless twittering is a passive (often subconscious) way of hoping that word will get around to that "special someone" without there actually having to be a real conversation that would make one feel vulnerable or uncomfortable... Let me be clear that this is not what I am advocating!  However, it could be very helpful to have relatively deep dialogue over a relatively extended period of time with a small circle of three or four friends who will keep any information completely confidential.  I would further suggest that these people should not just be "yes men" (or "yes women") who will rubber-stamp any action that one is thinking of taking -- but rather people who will ask the tough questions and provide the well-rounded feedback that is necessary for making a wise decision.  Generally speaking, you want people who are for you and with you -- who will pray with you and critically think through all of the possibilities -- but you don't want people who will just tell you what they think you want to hear.  You want real friends.  Ideally, these would be people from something like a life group and/or home group (the most basic "family" units around which we structure the community life of Zolder50).  But other considerations could include parents, siblings, pastors, home group leaders, roommates... I would just encourage singles who are thinking in the direction of dating and relationships to find somebody (or a group of somebodies) with whom they can talk!  In the early stages of moving toward a relationship, this kind of dialogue should be lighter and looser -- but as a relationship progresses, the conversation should become more probing and particular.  So whenever people get to a point where they feel that they've heard from God through His Word and through prayer, counsel from others can be a very meaningful and helpful element for furthering any decision-making process.  And then -- only then -- can one consider some of the Circumstances at hand...

Circumstances

It's really important to note that this should be further down the list when it comes to criteria helping to determine the results of a decision-making process.  But the fact of the matter is that God can and will sometimes use circumstances to help guide and direct our decisions.  Things like geographic proximity, career choices, social circles, and general timing can be good factors to consider in pursuing a relationship.  If, while considering a romantic relationship with someone else, these various circles seem to keep overlapping more and more -- then it could be a good sign that the relationship is meant to continue developing.  Or on the contrary, if these various circles seem to be diverging over time -- then it could be an indication that the relationship is not from God.  It can be dangerous to make assumptions from circumstances (particularly more shallow ones, like "If she smiles at me and scratches her nose when I say 'Hello,' then it means that she wants me to ask her out")... But I certainly wouldn't rule out the circumstances of a situation when considering decisions -- including decisions about dating.  With that said, in my opinion, the best safeguard for evaluating circumstances is Time...

Time

The thing about our emotions is that they can be fleeting and misleading.  Especially with male/female relationships, there are so many factors at play that it could really be wise to allow time for feelings to sort themselves out before taking any kind of significant action.  I don't think there's any magic time-frame that needs to be considered -- but I'd say that if you work through the entire process listed above in the space of a week or two, you're probably pushing it a bit.  As a rule of thumb in the area of dating and relationships, I might suggest a process for judging possibilities for a relationship from the guidelines in the Bible, to praying about it, to talking with others about it, to sorting out the circumstances over a period of at least three months before taking action.  A balance needs to be struck between agonizing and pining over a possibility for months and months (or years and years) -- and taking risks, opening oneself up emotionally, and giving things a try... But principally-speaking, I would suggest erring on the side of patience and caution (primarily on the basis of 1 Corinthians 8:9-13 and Proverbs 4:23, as mentioned previously).  Again, I'll explain more through my next post in this series...

At any rate, I have finally succeeded in spelling out some of my principles for dating and relationships that I've picked up along the way.  Perhaps they could be instructive... Perhaps they could be inflammatory.  As always, I welcome your feedback and dialogue on the subject (Remember, you can always comment anonymously!).

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As a post-script, I'm about ready to tie up this series on Dating and Relationships.  I'm planning one more post -- with a kind of "So what?" approach to the issue of dating in our culture today, summarizing some of my more practical observations on the subject.  But if there are any particular questions that have not yet been addressed in this series, please feel free to let me know.

[This is part four of a series on Dating and Relationships:  bypassing Christian rhetoric and examining the best models for interactions between men and women with candor, honesty, and directness.  Tough questions are encouraged, controversy is invited, and the submission of differing opinions is welcomed -- so please feel free to comment as often as you'd like.]

Looking back on my own experiences in the realm of dating and relationships -- as I suppose it would be with any similar kind of retrospection and introspection -- I have mixed feelings.  Embarrassment is mixed with sentimentality.  Shame is mixed with pride.  I have to shake my head with dismay while I simultaneously shake with laughter at my own story.  I'm sure you know how this goes... For me, as I consider the story of Marci and me, I can clearly see that there are things that we did poorly -- and things that we did well... And while I worry that I might come across as hypocritical (somehow encouraging people to do as I suggest, but not as I have done), I hope that my personal experience can be instructive for others trying to navigate the complicated course of dating and relationships.

Thus, if you will, I would like to look back on the last 15 years of my relationship with Marci and suggest three things that I think we could have done better... and three things that I, personally, wish every couple could experience for themselves, just as we did.  Maybe you will agree with my assessments; maybe not... At any rate, I will start with the things that I believe we did poorly...

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First, I wish we would have established better communication about our relationship.  This would seem to go without saying in the context of relationships... but my experience is that nothing should "go without saying" in the context of relationships!  Of course, part of the problem is that Marci and I were just teenagers when we started going out (and largely incapable of adult interaction, on certain levels) -- but regardless, we would have benefitted significantly from better communication with each other.  There were a lot of things that we never found out about each other until after we were married -- such as our biggest areas of personal struggle, the ways that we most positively complement and/or negatively enable each other, and some of our most basic expectations for life together.  Naturally, we talked about these things on some level -- but more often than not, we kept things rather vague and shallow.  In some areas of our relationship -- such as our physical interaction or sharing (or not sharing) "bad news" with each other, for example -- we even learned negative patterns for deliberate miscommunication (things that have taken years to sort out, in the time since we've been married).  So yeah -- to say the least, Marci and I could have had better communication along the way.

In retrospect, I wonder if part of this could have been solved by also having better communication with others about our relationship -- other men and women on a similar journey, or (ideally) even further down the relational road of life.  But we never really thought about it at the time.  During those crucial early years of our relationship, Marci and I didn't have much in the way of people who would ask us the really tough questions about our relationship and be able to challenge us and teach us as a couple.  So at least for me, if I could do it all over again, I would want to figure out a way to have better communication about our relationship...

Secondly, I wish we would have established better boundaries.  This applies emotionally, spiritually, and especially physically.  To be sure, I believe that a husband and wife are meant to be one flesh -- and are meant to share deeply in all aspects of life together -- but I've come to firmly believe that this should not happen until all the vows are said and the relationship has been officially joined.  Thus, boyfriends and girlfriends -- even fiancés and fiancées -- need to consciously think through concrete, practical, workable boundaries for these various aspects of relational connection (and, let it be said, these boundaries depend heavily on the aforementioned better communication with each other and with other men and women who will help to "referree" any potential out-of-bounds issues).

From my own experience, I've learned that explicit physical boundaries are extremely important -- and I do mean more than "no sex before marriage."  From our dating years, Marci and I learned self-centered tendencies and bad patterns for communication about our physical relationship (basically not talking about temptations and troubles that we were having, perhaps in some vain hope that if it wasn't spoken it wasn't actually real!) -- and these patterns followed us into the early years of our marriage.  I think that establishing the physical boundaries is a largely subjective process -- with each couple needing to determine what is "too far" for them -- but the main goals need to be protecting each other from lust and the temptation to go too far.  Not to be too crude, but I challenge any guys that I'm counseling through this phase of life to pay attention to their own personal arouse-o-meter (if you know what I mean).  If the arouse-o-meter has been activated, then they should probably draw a boundary line in front of whatever set it off.  Seriously.  This may sound dramatic, but as time has gone on -- understanding the consequences of my own trespasses along the way -- I've understood more and more why physical boundaries are so important in a dating relationship...

As for other types of boundaries... on the emotional level, it seems to me that Marci and I were way too quick to start talking about "what it's going to be like when we're married" and "what are we going to name our kids" (like, within the first six months of our nearly five years of dating and engagement).  Looking back, I can see how we would have benefited from establishing boundaries to avoid casual flippant discussion of such major life issues and create opportunities at the right times to deliberately and systematically discover new emotional territory together... Then, on the spiritual level, I wish we would have established guidelines with a rather different objective -- that is, means for stimulating, encouraging, and fanning the flames of spiritual dialogue in the context of our relationship (as opposed to means for fighting fires, like I've discussed in the areas of physical and emotional boundaries).  If we could have had some better boundaries in place for our relationship, I can only imagine how much we would have been benefited over the last 15 years!

Thirdly, when looking back at some of the things that could have gone better in my relationship with Marci, I really wish that I would have been more of a man!  Don't get me wrong -- I'm actually not one of those old-school believers in the idea that only a man can initiate dialogue about a relationship (I don't know where I'd be in life right now, if Marci hadn't summoned up the courage to ask me out, in spite of my reticence back in the day)... Personally, I don't think it's wrong or inappropriate for women to come out and share their feelings with men, under certain circumstances.  But as a guy who played the more passive role in the beginning of my own relationship with Marci, I have to admit that I sincerely regret being so spineless, nervous, reticent, shy, withdrawn, and passive in the early days of our relationship.  From the earliest moments following the Fall of Mankind in the Garden of Eden, I believe that God established men to be leaders and initiators.  I've heard, in fact, that it's hard-wired in our chromosomal make-up... Not that women cannot take the lead when men come up short!  Biblical precedent is relatively abundant, in fact, if you consider women like Tamar, Deborah, and Ruth...  All the same, I believe that men are specifically designed and specially intended to initiate and lead, and specifically so, in the context of relationships.  Especially speaking from personal experience, I feel that Marci and I would have gotten off to an even better start if I could have been strong and courageous in initiating dialogue about our relationship.

Fortunately, God can redeem (and has redeemed) even those parts of our lives where we've screwed up.  Even so, if you'd like to save yourself some headaches in the realm of dating and relationships, I would urge you to consider some of our mistakes and learn from them...

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On the flip side of things, however, I genuinely believe that there are things that Marci and I did well -- extremely well, in fact.  I can't really take credit for having any keen wisdom or insight as a scrawny sixteen-year-old (as mentioned previously, I didn't have much of a plan going into things).  Nevertheless, we were blessed with some fortuitous strong points to our relationship, even from the very earliest days...

One of the first positive points that I think of in regards to the early days of our relationship is that we had fun.  I feel very fortunate that the process of Marci and I falling in love was so unscripted, so mysterious, so exciting and fun.  Of course, this is the way that most people typically envision the process of "falling in love."  But over the years, as I've seen other couples come and go, I've been surprised to see how difficult it can be for some.  Some couples seem to be in serious dialogue, not unlike a job interview, from the moment that they sit down to dinner for their first date.  Some couples seem to be quarelling and bickering almost as much as (if not more than) cooing and making goo-goo eyes at each other.  Some couples seem to analyze their relationship endlessly, without getting a chance to just enjoy being with each other... And while these things are not, in and of themselves, entirely inappropriate actions or bad tokens for the ultimate fate of the relationship (and actually, if I were to take my own advice on the poor aspects of the dating relationship between Marci and me, we might have ended up with more of a relationship that looked like one of these scenarios!) -- I have to say that I feel bad for couples who do not get the luxury of enjoying the pure "puppy love" stage of a relationship.  I think it's a gift from God to have someone with whom I can laugh and relax and enjoy life together -- and I would encourage any men and women who find themselves in the process of dating / courting / relationship-building to balance fun with wisdom during the early days of a relationship...

Secondly, we wrote letters.  Personally, I think that this was one of the coolest things that Marci and I did during the early days of our relationship.  It sounds so anachronistic, so Victorian, so different from today's typical pattern for relational development (and in fact, it was a different time -- before the mainstream assimilation of mobile telephony, e-mailing, text-messaging, and internet-chatting)... But I think our letters turned out to be such a meaningful and romantic part of our story.  We learned a lot about each other through our letters -- perhaps even more than we would have learned through regular conversation (as writing tends to provide more of an opportunity for forming one's thoughts ahead of time, sharing information that might not otherwise come up, and giving awkward young lovers a chance to wax poetic to one another!).  There's just something to the written word -- and especially hand-written letters -- that cannot be easily quantified... something personable, something tangible, something meaningful communicated by the time and attention dedicated to writing out thoughts in pen and ink.  Those letters that we wrote throughout the first two years of our relationship were especially formative to our fledgling relationship, and I'm so glad that we did it.  Not only that, but we now have shoeboxes full of the letters, which are a great memento for us and maybe even for future generations.  I would totally recommend this to anyone who is (or who might someday be) in the process of developing a relationship....

And finally, I consider it a blessing that we took our time.  I might have just as easily written this as one of the thing that we did poorly -- as I've come to realize that a delicate balance between decisiveness and patience is necessary.  But there's something to be said for allowing plenty of time to observe each other in different seasons of life and come to a place where we were making a genuinely informed decision about spending the rest of our lives together.  Marci's mother once relayed an old American proverb stating something to the effect of, "Do not marry anyone with whom you have not yet observed the passing from spring to summer to autumn to winter and back to spring," and I think there's really something to that.  For Marci and me, our dating period allowed ample opportunity for us to do this -- which was especially important since we were just teenagers when we got started.  We got to spend time getting to know each of our families.  We got to observe each other in times of stress and in seasons of boredom.  We got to share a number of significant life milestones before marriage.  And thus, we avoided a number of the classic pitfalls that plague relationships.  Many couples rush into relationships... and then find themselves rushing quickly out of that relationship.  Or couples pressure themselves to advance to a certain stage of relationship within a certain period of time... and then miss out on the joy of the process itself.

Now, I don't know if I could (in good conscience) recommend a four and a five year process of moving from intrigue to dating to engagement to marriage, like we did (although, in defense of my own situation, I also wouldn't recommend for people to get married before the age of 21!).  Still, it's good to take some time and figure things out as you go.  Once a man and a woman have definitely decided that they are meant to spend life together in marriage -- which, I believe, is the goal of dating (or whatever you call it -- I think they should deliberately pursue this formalization of the relationship as soon as practically possible.  Like I said, it's a balancing act... you want to allow for plenty of time to get to know each other while not creating unneccessary tension and temptation to cross some of the aforementioned boundaries... But it's a worthwhile balance to attempt to acheive.

*     *     *     *     *

So now you know where I'm coming from on the more experiential end of things.  In the next episode of this series, I'll get into my thoughts from the principally-motivated side of things... So stay tuned!

[This is part three of a series on Dating and Relationships:  bypassing Christian rhetoric and examining the best models for interactions between men and women with candor, honesty, and directness.  Tough questions are encouraged, controversy is invited, and the submission of differing opinions is welcomed -- so please feel free to comment as often as you'd like.]

To be honest, I never really had a plan for my life or a philosophy on dating and relationships when I first met Marci.  I was not particularly forward with my intentions, when we first started getting to know each other.  And, if I'm being completely straightforward, I don't think that either of us were really mature enough to handle a relationship.

But then again, I was only ten years old.

The first time that Marci and I met was shortly after my family had moved from Wisconsin to Ohio, when my Dad accepted a job with the church with which Marci's family was also involved.  And unfortunately, I can't say that it was love at first sight.  At that age, actually, I considered girls "yucky" and carriers of the dreaded "cooties" virus that terrorized so many boys my age.  All the same, I don't think I was particularly interesting to Marci (she had actually been hoping for a girl her age, when she heard that my family was moving to town)... So for the first several years, we kept our distance.  Later on, as we got into our high school years, I guess there started to be more of a mutual intrigue -- an awareness of each other on a different level than previously -- and we started to develop a friendship.  We enjoyed laughing at our Sunday school teachers and generally socializing within the church youth group.  Over time, I started to admire her gentle spirit, her intelligent conversation, as well as her golden hair, soft features, and porcelein skin.  A couple of times I even started to wonder if maybe I should ask Marci out; but for whatever reason (probably because I was a spineless, spindly, insecure teenager), nothing really happened... until the summer of 1993.

In that summer, just before my junior year of high school, I migrated to a summer job on the North Dakota (USA) / Sasketchewan (Canada) border.  Out on my own, for the first time in my life, I experienced my first bouts of homesickness.  And I don't know if Marci actually heard about my homesickness or just ventured to guess that such might be the case (since she had spent her previous summer even further away, in Taiwan) -- but somehow, she decided to send me a care package along with a letter containing some of the news from Ohio and such.  Of course, I was elated to receive such mail -- because of its sweet reminder of home and (I was intrigued to discover) especially because it was from her.  I probably read her letter dozens -- if not hundreds -- of times, in the bunk of that North Dakota log lodge which constituted my home for that summer.  I studied her handwriting and punctuation -- trying to guess her tone and her intentions in writing such a letter.  Could it be that maybe she was interested in me, too?  Could it be that she was trying to drop me a hint?  Did she write letters like this to other guys, too?  What did it mean when she signed the letter, "Love, Marci"?  It was fun to theorize.  After a day or two, I decided to reciprocate with sending a letter back from the prairie.  And throughout the rest of that summer, we traded letters back and forth -- maybe a total of three or four times.  Thus, when the end of the summer came and I returned back to Ohio, I was anxious -- oh so anxious -- to see what might come of it all...

But when I got back to Ohio, in spite of the experiences of "growing up" out West that summer and in spite of the growing excitement that I had for Marci, I was quietly dismayed to discover that I immediately and automatically reverted to the same spineless, spindly, insecure teenager who had left Ohio a couple of months previously.  Yes, I was definitely more awake to the possibilities.  I twittered about it a little bit with my brother and some of the other guys from the youth group.  And I started thinking a bit more strategically about what I wanted from a girl -- even going so far as to write out a list (in a secret code language that I had invented, so that no one else would be able to read my notes) enumerating qualities to be looking for:  like, someone who was a Christian (nevermind the fact that my faith was more cultural than personal at that point in my life), someone who was intelligent, fun-loving, beautiful... I wish I could remember all of the things that I had on that list -- though, suffice to say, they were all somewhat bland and definitely sculpted with sufficient space to allow for the inclusion of Marci (who was already clearly in my field of vision)!  To say the least, I thought quite a bit about asking her out on a date... but I was just too afraid to do it.  She was a couple years older than me, I reasoned... She was just getting ready to leave for her first year at Bowling Green State University... She would not be interested in going out with a high schooler like me... I'd be better off to forget the whole thing...

And then came the Bucyrus Bratwurst Festival.

This is the embarrassing part of our story, because I must admit that Marci made the first move... and that the beginning of our romantic relationship will always be linked to a local festival celebrating the virtues of a spicy grilled sausage... But, of course, this is also kind of the charming part of the story.  Sometime around the middle of August, just as I was in the process of trying to lay "the whole Marci thing" to rest in my head -- pre-convinced of its failure -- Marci called me on the phone.  I don't remember much of the conversation, except for the part when she asked, "Umm... Eric, I was wondering if you might want to go to the Bratwurst Festival with me on Friday night..."  And of course, I said yes -- probably not maintaining the least bit of cool -- and when the phone call ended, I felt like my head was in the clouds.  I was euphoric.  I was incredulous.  I was going on a date with Marci Anderson!

That night (August 20th, 1993 -- exactly fourteen years ago!), she picked me up in her parents blue Cutlass Supreme (How lame was I, even letting her do the driving?!?!), and we drove to downtown Bucyrus with hearts full of happiness and mouths full of nervously excited chit-chat.  We found some of her high school friends.  We watched the parade, with the Bratwurst Queen and her Court (no, I am not making this up!).  We rode on some of the carnival rides.  We enjoyed some carnival foods (elephant ears and funnel cakes).  We had good, natural conversation throughout the course of the evening -- entirely platonic, I might as well mention, with not so much as casual physical contact or even mentioning the fact (even to each other) that we were out "on a date" along the way.  And then, after several hours of fun, we got back in the car to drive home.  We had both enjoyed the evening immensely... But then we started talking about the fact that she was leaving for Bowling Green the next morning, while I would be returning to high school for another two years... And, well, we ended the evening with just as many questions as answers.  We weren't far enough in our relationship to talk in any kind of definitive terms about what the future might hold, so we kind of left things with an unspoken "wait and see" attitude.  I gave her a mix tape when she finally dropped me off, to take with her to college (What good early 1990s love story exists without an exchange of mix tapes?!?!)... And then she drove off into the night -- and then off to college the next day.

Sometime that next week, as fate would have it, we both sent letters to each other that crossed in the postal system.  And thus began a ritual of exchanging three to four letters every week -- back and forth between Shelby and Bowling Green.  We wrote about what was happening throughout the course of our days.  We wrote about our likes and dislikes.  We wrote about our personal aspirations for the future.  We wrote about things that made us laugh and things that made us cry.  We wrote about each other.  And we started to write about who we might become as individuals, and as a couple, as things continued into the future.  Every now and then, Marci would come home for the weekend, and we'd go out -- to have a meal together, to watch a movie, to attend a sports event, to hang out with other friends from the youth group.  Sometimes, I'd go up to Bowling Green and visit her there.  And slowly -- very slowly -- our relationship deepened and developed.

In October of that year, we held hands for the first time -- in the movie theater.  That Thanksgiving (late November), while Marci was home from BGSU on a one-week vacation, we had our first kiss -- which was followed in relatively short order with our first make-out session.  The first time we said "I love you" to each other was over the telephone sometime that fall.  Somewhere along the line, we started calling each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" -- and we sorted out that our relationship was exclusive.  But I can't remember exactly how all of this took place!  We didn't really have a plan for how our relationship would progress; it just did.  We were smart enough to establish some physical boundaries -- basically just "no sex before marriage" (although, in retrospect, we might have done better to draw even better protective boundary lines).  But we went at things pretty haphazardly, figuring it all out as we went.  We didn't have a lot of other people with whom we were talking about our relationship.  We didn't even do the best job of always talking to each other about our relationship.  Even so, those early years of dating proved to be a very fun and fruitful period of our lives.

After three years of dating, I proposed to Marci -- on the 20th of August, 1996 (exactly 11 years ago) -- after a lovely Italian dinner and a solo piano-accompanied ballad in which I sang, "When I first saw you I was all alone, looking for a love I could call my own.  Watching a dream step out of time, suddenly it came to my mind that maybe you... I'm hoping that maybe we... I'm praying that maybe you and I could spend our lives together."  She said yes, and well -- that's basically what we've been doing ever since...

The whole story, of course, is much longer and more complex than all this.  Still, I hope it serves to establish a bit more of where I'm coming from in my personal experience of dating and relationships... If I were to do it all over again, sure, there are things that I would do differently.  But of course there are also things that I would want no other way.  Looking back, I can see our story with a healthy dose of both pride and embarrassment.  We've definitely learned a lot along the way.  Obviously, it might be useful to sum up some of these object lessons (specifically enumerating what went wrong and what went right)... but I'm going to save that for part four of this series...

[This is part two of a series on Dating and Relationships:  bypassing Christian rhetoric and examining the best models for interactions between men and women with candor, honesty, and directness.  Tough questions are encouraged, controversy is invited, and the submission of differing opinions is welcomed -- so please feel free to comment as often as you'd like.]

There are probably just as many philosophies out there about dating and relationships as there are couples in the world.  Every culture, every sub-culture -- even every family seems to have its own set of (spoken and unspoken) rules for the complex interactions between men and women.  To make it even more confusing, everyone seems to use slightly different terminology to discuss these "rules" (i.e. one couple's "dating" is another couple's "getting to know each other"... one couple's "courting" is another couple's "going out").  Sorting through the differences in perspectives and opinions can be extremely difficult -- if not impossible -- at times...

But from my perspective, pretty much all of the philosophies about dating can be plotted along a continuum that ends in two basic perspectives on the topic.

I would call the one end of the spectrum the "Dating is totally no big deal" extreme.  People who tend to think more in these terms would say that it doesn't really matter who, what, where, when, or how often -- dating is merely a social experiment that should be practiced freely and spontaneously.  Of course, prospects are necessarily judged on more superficial criteria such as physical appearance, taste in music, hobbies, and so on (which may or may not be the best measures for long-term compatability).  From this vantage point, dating is viewed more or less as a game -- with winners, losers, points, and trophies -- witty pick-up lines or drinks at a bar serving as game pieces.  And actually, a dating game show is probably just as good a means of any for finding someone of the opposite sex!  A guy coming from this perspective might keep three or four girls "on call" at a time -- maybe going out with one on Friday night, with another on Saturday night, and so on.  People who tend to think more in this direction would say, "You'll never really know the possibilities for romance and relationships until you've tested the field a bit."  By and large, the "totally no big deal" camp emphasizes fun and spontaneity -- which has both its strong points and its weak points...

I would call the other end of the spectrum, then, the "Dating is a very, very, very big deal" extreme.  People who tend to think more in this direction would say that any step in the direction of men and women mixing with each other is a life-or-death maneuver.  Charts, graphs, lists, and equations are used to evaluate potential life partners; emotions should not enter in, because emotionally-based decisions are considered foolish and flighty.  With people coming from this end of the spectrum, it is generally presumed that any mistakes or missteps in the area of dating and relationships will cause deep and permanent scarring.  As a means of protection, there are certain circles (within Christendom) where single men and women are strictly guarded from the potentially corrupting influence of the opposite sex -- chaperoned strictly on any occasion when they might happen to interact, and preferably seated on different sides of the same room -- even separate sidewalks on the same university campus (I've seriously heard of a school in the United States that does this!).  In its most developed form, the "very, very, very big deal" people would just as well see our society return to a system of arranged marriages (which, to be honest, may not be as ridiculous of an idea as it might seem).  But at any rate, on this end of the spectrum, asking a girl out becomes tantamount to asking for her hand in marriage (barring any major show-stoppers).  All in all, the "very, very, very big deal" camp emphasizes purity and wise decision-making -- which, again, has both its strong points and its weak points...

Of course, there are few people who would totally buy into either one of the above characterizations (though I am often surprised by how accurate the stereotypes can be!).  Oh, maybe Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzerelli could be a good representative of the "totally no big deal" camp... And, let's see, perhaps Elinor Dashwood could serve as the archetypical spokesperson for the "very, very, very big deal" camp.  But the fact of the matter is that both of these are fictional characters -- and hyperbole at that.  Even so, the extremes can be instructive.  Especially if viewed as opposite ends of a continuous spectrum, the extremes can be helpful to identify each of our cultural and individual views toward dating and relationships -- though often more in reference to what we are not than in reference to what we are!

So, let me me be the first to state that I have figured out the perfect balance between the two extremes!  My standpoint, of course, is directly on top of the fulcrum in the middle of the playground see-saw between the Fonz and Elinor Dashwood.  My philosophy on dating avoids those bothersome extremes and manages to combine the charm of the Fonz with the sensibility of Ms. Dashwood.  Yes, you should be happy to know that I've learned the secret to absolute balance... But seriously -- the fact of the matter is that we all want to avoid the extremes.  We want to embrace the best of both worlds -- while simultaneously shunning their weaknesses... But in the end, we've all got our particular preprogrammed preferences.  Our perspectives are fluid and shifting -- initially molded by the models that we observe in childhood and further shaped by our life experiences -- but they are almost never completed balanced or objective.  One of the most important things that I've learned about dating and relationships is that each individual comes into a relationship with a certain set of expectations.  And until these expectations can be accurately identified and explained, the relationship is relegated to a rocky road of misunderstandings.  The expectations don't have to be exactly the same (in fact, the statistical likelihood of an exact match is infinitissimally low)... But they need to be understood and articulated.

So where are you on the continuum?

As for me, I think I've come to sit a bit right of center, somewhat closer to Elinor Dashwood's side of the figurative see-saw.  But then again, if I were to be completely honest, I'd have to say that my life experience puts me a bit more on the Fonz's side... I'd like to think that the two sides of me (the rational side and the experiential side) are close enough to the middle to reach out their arms across the center of the teeter-totter and touch each other... you know, somewhere along the lines of "Dating is kind of a big deal -- but not so much."  But then again, maybe it would help to explain a bit more about where I'm coming from -- which is exactly what I plan to do in part three of this series... when I get into more of the details of my and Marci's story...