On Sunday (the 29th of May), I spoke at Amsterdam50's weekly worship gathering on the topic of Marriage and Sex, applying wisdom from the Proverbs of Solomon to 21st Century life. On Monday (the 30th of May), my wife and I celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary. Consequently, I thought it might be interesting to adapt (and improve) some of my material on "The Goodness of Marriage" for use here on my blog, in serial form. Now that I've provided a brief introduction to the series, and a defense of marriage based on the topic of integrity, I now move on to a defense of marriage based on the topic of self-control:

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The Proverbs also have a lot to say about self-discipline and self-control, as an expression of wisdom; and I think that saving sex for marriage is an excellent way to develop this kind of self-control.

Proverbs 20:25 says, "It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider his vows." Of course, this could certainly apply to situations of rushed marriages (i.e. "shotgun weddings") just as much as to premarital sex. So maybe that spontaneous city hall / wedding-in-the-park idea is not the best choice for initiating a lifetime of commitment! :-) But actually... at least with a scenario like that, there’s a moment of pause when the city official asks if you’re really, consciously, committing to each other, and again when you make public promises to each other in front of friends and in front of God. It slows the process down a bit and allows for clear-headedness. Waiting to have sex until after being married is an excellent way to foster self-control and provide some time for considering one's vows, outside the "heat of the moment" and the rush of hormones that can heavily influence a couple in those private bedroom decisions.

Proverbs 25:28 says, "Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control." And in the same way, a couple without self-control is going to be extremely susceptible to attacks. The relationship is exponentially more-likely to crumble. As old-fashioned as saving sex for marriage may sound to some people, I have yet to see a better way to test and demonstrate self-control in a relational context. Self-control is a foundational element in building trust and establishing a healthy relationship. Especially in a marriage relationship! No matter what (even if you're married to the most beautiful, most kind, most affectionate person), there will be times of temptation and doubt and compromised emotions, when decisions have to be made on the basis of self-discipline and not just on what's happening in the moment. Therefore, waiting to have sex until after marriage is a great way to exercise self-discipline -- and to see if your partner is willing / able to exercise that same level of self-discipline.

Self-control may actually be something of a misnomer -- as I actually believe that we need to let the Holy Spirit control us, in order to fully live as God intends us to live. But according to Galatians 5, one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit in our lives is "self-control," and I'm suggesting that this is precisely what is needed in order for a relationship to succeed.