My kids asked me to teach them some French, as we were cleaning up from dinner. We were day-dreaming about our upcoming vacation to Normandy, and they knew that I had once studied French in high school and in college -- so they asked me to teach them a few phrases.

I paused for a second and then spoke: "Bon soir. Je m'apelle Eric. Je suis de Ohio. Je viens a l'école en bus." And, well, if I do say so myself, my pronunciation was trés authentique. But then, just as quickly as I had started, I stopped with the French and returned to the dishes that I was loading into the dishwasher.

"What did you say? What did you say?" my kids asked.

"Aw, nothing really," I said. "I forget a lot of the French I used to be able to speak." I was embarrassed, actually, by just how much I had forgotten. The loss was almost total. Every French word I tried to recall was covered up by a Dutch word. It was as if all of my "Language Bucket" had been filled with English and Dutch at the top of the bucket -- all of which were much more accessible -- and just a few dregs of French remained at the bottom of the bucket. After three years of French in high school and two semesters of French in college, I used to have a pretty decent handle on the language. But now I totally don't. In fact, it seems that the only French I can remember is from the first year of high school French with Mademoiselle Shell.

"Dad, what did you say?" my kids persisted.

"Umm... Well, I said... 'Good evening. My name is Eric. I come from Ohio. I come to school by bus.' And I'm afraid that's about the best I can do for you right now."

"Cor, you're awesome."

Our friend Leslie said this to our little three-and-a-half-year-old as we were getting our coats on and preparing to leave the party. He'd been a good entertainer, as always, so the compliment was sincere. But Cor's response was, if possible, even more sincere.

"Yes. But I'm also tired."

It was spoken with neither pride nor shame. It was just a statement of fact, and I appreciated the moment so deeply. He was being confident of who he is, but also being realistic about his limitations. Just like I wish I could be. Awesome... but also tired.

I've been pleased to have some more time for reading, recently, and I thought it might be time to share some of my recommendations. So here are three of my recent favorites:

I love the Bible. I love character-driven short stories. And I love imaginative, excellent writing. So put these elements together and what do you have? Frederick Buechener's Peculiar Treasures: A Biblical Who's Who. My friend Bob gave me this book (a first edition printing, no less) a couple of months ago, and I'm still delighted and refreshed by the little sketches of biblical personalities -- both celebrated and obscure. Buechener's theological insights are well-grounded in Scripture, but they're also rendered in a way that's thoughtful and nuanced. It's not just some reference book or a Sunday School manual. It's lovely reading. I'd highly recommend it to any student of the Bible or of good writing. The entries on Absalom, Elisha, and Luke are a few of my personal favorites.

Would you believe that I had never read a book by Pearl S. Buck until just a couple of weeks ago? She's a highly acclaimed author (winner of both the Pulitzer Prize and the Nobel Prize for Literature), and she also happened to be the daughter of American missionaries in China -- but I just never found a reason to pick up one of her stories until a friend mentioned her novel, The Good Earth, in passing. On a whim, I decided to check it out from the library, and I was very glad that I did. The story of Wang Lung and O-Lan, poor Chinese peasants who gradually amass land and wealth for themselves only later to discover the hardships that these things bring, is a story for all of us. Who are we? How do we deal with material resources? What does it mean to leave a legacy? It's a really thought-provoking story -- but also enjoyable reading. The glimpse into Chinese culture and history is also fascinating.

For my third and final recommendation, I'll refer to a Dutch book: De Nieuwe Gaventest, by Christian A. Schwarz. I wish this one was available in English, too, but as far as I can tell that is not yet the case. Anyway, if you can read Dutch (or German), I would suggest that Schwarz's test is the single-most comprehensive means of discovering one's spiritual gifts. The assessment is organized in an efficient and insightful way. The questions are formulated well. The results are plotted in such a way that makes them extremely accessible. And for myself, I found the descriptions of my own personal tendencies to be remarkably accurate. Very much true to life. I also really appreciate the way that it presents a balanced view of spiritual gifts, which strikes me as being very biblical. So if you're curious to find out more about your own spiritual gifts, in an individual or a team context, I would highly recommend this particular resource.

My backpack was stolen last week, while I was with Marci on an anniversary get-away in Brussels. Two days later, a stranger in Ixelles called to say that he had found my backpack on the street, which included, among other items, our passports -- so after considering a number of different possible solutions, I took the train down to Belgium again yesterday to personally retrieve our belongings.

It was literally a five-minute visit to Brussels this time around. The train was delayed in its departure from Amsterdam, so I seriously only had four or five minutes to pick up the backpack again and catch my train back to Amsterdam. But that was enough time, and when the hotel's concierge (who had agreed to play a role in facilitating the transfer of the backpack) brought out the backpack to me I was both relieved and perplexed.

The backpack wasn't actually my backpack.

The bag itself was a different size and made by a different manufacturer. Still, a quick look at the contents inside confirmed that the strange bag did indeed contain familiar passports and other miscellaneous materials from my old backpack -- so I thanked the concierge and tipped him, then I ran back to the station to catch my train, where I could further examine everything that had been returned to me. As the train pulled out of Brussels and clattered northward, I took stock of the situation, and I was intrigued to see what the thieves had decided to return and what they had decided to keep for themselves (or perhaps just throw away). Here's a quick summary of what I discovered:

RETURNED:

• Keys (to church and home)
• Black folder with various personal papers
• Small NIV pocket Bible
• Red Moleskine journal
• Hard copies to stories for fiction critique
• Kurt Vonnegut, "Slaughterhouse5" library book
• Passports (both for me and for Marci)
• Dutch drivers license
• Business cards (collected from others)
• Eurohike backpack

NOT RETURNED:

• Adidas backpack which I had originally been carrying
• Marci's class ring, which had been on my key chain (since we first started dating)
• Red plastic ear key ring ornament (a gift from my friend Bob)
• Half-used Blistex-brand lip balm
• Breath freshener spray
• Sunglasses
• Pens, pencils, highlighters
• Memory sticks (2)
• Headphones (2)
• Water bottle
• Cloth bag, used for grocery shopping
• Snacks, drinks, gum

Interesting to see the way that the thieves chose what they gave back and what they didn't. Was it based on economic considerations? Or perhaps on forensic considerations (i.e. things that would obviously not belong to them, personally)? Or maybe it was based on what they felt was most personal / irreplaceable? I don't really know, but I think it's interesting to see how they managed everything -- especially the part about taking care to load the one set of personal items back into a different bag and deliberately drop it in an area where it could be found by someone else (i.e. on the street and not just in dumpster). Marci and I are most bummed about the loss of her class ring (which may have retailed at about $100, though the crude materials probably had a value much lower than that). But anyway... we can't complain. We lost some money through the whole ordeal, but we saved some money, too. And in any event, we learned a bit about the discriminating tastes of Belgian petty thieves.

Have you ever heard the song, "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by the Baha Men? It was annoying when it came out in 2000 -- and it's become iconically-annoying in the decade since.

Well, imagine that song filtered through the annoyance of the Literal-Translation Game: translating from English to Dutch on the fly, without much thought for cadence and syncopation, without much thought for the peculiarities of syntax and figurative language, without any concerns regarding the number of syllables to be crammed into any particular line of the song. It's a fun game for foreigners to play (I admit that I am a regular participant in this activity); but it's also pretty darn annoying for anyone else who has to listen to it. And it's especially annoying for anyone to listen to the Literal-Translation version of the Baha Men's "Who Let the Dogs Out?" -- or perhaps I should say "Wie laat de honden los?"

And now, imagine this scenario specifically involving a group of nine-year-old boys -- singing the song together any time that the word "dog" is mentioned in their school classroom, any time they go out onto the school playground, or any time that they feel like it on a school field trip or a moment of boredom. That's taking the annoyance to a whole new level. It sounds almost unbearable. Almost impossible.

Yet in talking with Elliot yesterday, I learned that this scenario is not only possible. It's practical reality. It's happening in Elliot's class at school. And my son is one of the main perpetrators of this phenomenon, conspiring with two other boys in the class to bust into "Wie laat de honden los?" whenever the moment arises. Unthinkably annoying, isn't it? Yet believe it or not, I'm actually entertained by the thought. He must be a chip off the old block -- or perhaps I should say, "een stukje vanaf het oude blok" -- after all.

I seem to get soaked to the bone by rain just about every time that I bicycle into the countryside just north of Amsterdam (ironically, though appropriately called Waterland)... And yet, I keep going back.

Today, the soaking happened on the way back from a morning of touring the region with my children in the family bakfiets; but believe it or not, the sopping clothing only seemed to add to the charm and memorability of the experience. Though the kids were protected by the rain cover of the bakfiets, they loved Waterland too.

It's such a beautiful area, up there in Waterland. I love the canals and meadows, the sheep and cattle grazing, the panoramic skies and picturesque villages. It's like a postcard of Holland.

If you've never been on a bicycle ride through Waterland, I could hardly recommend it highly enough. And if you're looking for any enhanced experience of the region, I discovered that the next two weekends will provide just such an opportunity: A series of concerts in clustered villages throughout the region. This upcoming weekend, the concerts will be taking place in the old village churches of Zunderdorp, Ransdorp, Holysloot, and Durgerdam (which happen to be the villages that we visited today, as they're a bit closer to Amsterdam). And then next weekend, the concerts will be happening in the churches found in Monnickendam, Broek in Waterland, Zuiderwoude, and Uitdam. Elliot and I went to this concert series once, several years ago, and I'd still rank it as one of the greatest cultural experiences that I've had in all my times in the Netherlands.

In any event, I thank God for places like Waterland -- wet as it may be -- providing an escape from busy houses and crowded city streets.

Marci and I had a lovely anniversary trip to Brussels. The weather was maybe not so lovely, mostly cool and rainy, but it was still passable enough that we could enjoy the city. And of course, it was nice that we could just enjoy each other.

It was wonderful to just stroll down the cobbled streets and see what we could see along the way. To us, the visit didn't have the same sense of urgency that Rome or Paris would have, where it's like "We've got to see the Sistene Chapel," or, "We've got to see the Eiffel Tower" or whatever. We could see a section of Brussels' most celebrated landmark -- the Grand Place -- from our hotel room, so we didn't have to be in any terrible rush to see a bunch of other tourist attractions. We just took the city as it came to us, and there's really something to be said for that. In case you'd like to see some of the pictures from our adventures in Brussels, you can access a more complete collection in the Family Pictures section of the website...

Of everything that happened during our 28 hours in Brussels, however, I'm afraid that one of the most significant and most memorable experiences happened in our last two minutes -- when my backpack was stolen, just as the train to Amsterdam was about to arrive. One guy asked us a question about where to catch the next train to Midi Station, and while we were engaged with him an accomplice picked up the backpack and walked away with it. We noticed it within 10 seconds of the incident, but it was already too late. Grrr.

With the loss of my backpack, we lost our train tickets, our passports, my Dutch driver's license, my set of keys, and some other relatively minor personal affects -- so I can't imagine it will be all that great of a haul for the thieves, who are usually looking for cash or electronics... But it's a big hassle for us. Ah well. There's not much that can be done about it now.  It could have been a lot worse... And the train conductors and police officers were helpful in the face of our loss... And we got to spend a special weekend in Brussels... So we can count our blessings.

The interactivity of blogging always used to be one of the most enjoyable parts of the experience for me: reading and responding to the comments. It's what separated blogging from journaling or sending out newsletters. It allowed for some back-and-forth.

But over the last several months, dealing with "spam" has become an increasingly frustrating part of the whole experience. Awhile back, I had to switch to allowing comments only under moderation (that is, every comment had to be approved before it appeared on-line). I've tried a few other solutions as well, but unfortunately, the problem has persisted and intensified. So for now, I've decided to disallow comments on EricAsp.com.

I still hope that I can work out a different solution in the weeks to come, but in the meantime I  encourage interaction through the Facebook version of this content (which I will be more faithful to update, in view of the fact that Facebook's automatic import function seems to be a bit quirky). And I will do my best to keep you updated on new developments in the future.

This weekend, Marci and I are looking forward to a belated celebration of our 13th wedding anniversary by taking an overnight trip to Brussels. Even though this is basically the equivalent of someone from Cleveland, Ohio taking a road trip to visit Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, we're really excited to experience Brussels for ourselves. Believe it or not, after eight-and-a-half years of living in this part of the world, this will be our first time actually visiting Brussels (outside of the train station, at least).

So I'm curious: Does anyone have any travel tips for us?

I've already been told that the waffles are a requirement. Also, the Grand Place seems to be an obvious choice (especially given that we'll be staying in a hotel very close to this landmark). But what else might you advise? Any particular sites to see? Any great restaurants or places for coffee? How does one get "the True Brussels Experience?" Any advice would be welcomed!

My kids love playing this simple "Crash Game," where they run at me and knock me onto my back, while holding them in my arms. There's no object to the "game" actually, except to try and create dramatic (but harmless) collisons. We've been doing this since Elliot was a toddler.

So anyway, last week we were in the park, and I decided to try and capture video footage of the Crash Game from a first-hand perspective, using my camera phone. It was fun to see how the videos turned out, and the kids also got a kick out of watching themself charge the camera; so I figured I'd share the experience here, too, for a broader public.

I think it's especially interesting to see how the different kids respond to the Crash Game experience in different ways. Note the various "starting lines" and the unique reactions in the immediate aftermath of the collison. To me, it seems like their responses to the game -- same place, same time, same game, same circumstances -- reveal interesting things about their personalities. What do you think?

The Czechs are amazingly good at making animated children's entertainment.

Our family's introduction to Czech animation was through a DVD that we were given, entitled "Het Molletje" ("The Little Mole"). We later learned that this series of animated films was originally produced under the name "Krtek" ("The Mole") in the former Czechoslovakia, starting in the 1950s. The stories are almost wordless -- mostly just music and sound effects, so language is not an issue -- and they follow the adventures of this little cartoon mole and other woodland creatures who get into all kinds of interesting situations. To give you a little taste of this series, I found a clip on-line from one of my favorite episodes, where the forest gets razed to make way for an urban development:

The rest of this episode is equally delightful; but unfortunately, I can't find the rest of it in embeddable form. If you can ever figure out a way to watch this episode -- or any of the installments of Krtek that you might be able to find -- I would highly recommend it. It's enjoyable entertainment for both children and adults, from all different cultural backgrounds.

Later on, our family was introduced to another Czech series which the Dutch call "Buurman & Buurman" ("Neighbor & Neighbor") -- but which is apparently entitled "Pat & Mat" ("Check and Checkmate") in Czech. It's a stop-motion animation series (as opposed to the more classic style of animation employed by Krtek), but it's equally well-done. These two characters use a bit more of the spoken word than Krtek, though it's still remarkably easy to follow. Our children are especially crazy about "Buurman Buurman" -- laughing their heads off at their antics. Yet again, I often find myself laughing right along with them. It's another great series that I would highly recommend.

I'm glad that we've been exposed to these sources of entertainment, since we've been living in Europe. Honestly, I wonder why these series never made their way over to North America. Growing up, we were able to enjoy things like the Smurfs (from Belgium) and Voltron (from Japan)... But never Krtek or Pat & Mat. Could it be because Americans were worried about the show's potential Communist influences (which would be very ironic, since the old Communist regimes also worried that these shows were too critical of their government!)? That's actually my best guess, but who knows? At any rate, if you've never had the chance to see these shows for yourself, I would highly encourage you to Czech them out (sorry, I just couldn't resist the pun!).

Are you "going to church" this weekend? For the people of Amsterdam50, this actually doesn't mean attending a worship gathering (at least not for this weekend)! Instead, we're Serving the City.

Throughout the day today (and throughout the previous three days as well), we are (and have been) participating in a city-wide inter-church initiative called Serve the City, with different service projects happening in different parts of Amsterdam. At the end of the day today, our ministry center will be hosting a special meal for the volunteers who have participated, which just so happens to be right around the time that we typically gather for worship. Except this week, instead of our typical worship experience, we're learning how to practice "pure and genuine religion" by taking care of widows and orphans and other people in Amsterdam who need help. It's an enacted sermon, if you will. A different way of "going to church."

So this weekend, our family "went to church" along with ten people from Stichting Philadelphia (a residential center for adults who are mentally handicapped), two professional care-givers, and a bunch of wild animals. That is, we spent a lovely sunny Saturday at Artis Zoo together with people who love to see animals, to an extent that can only be rivaled by my children, but who cannot manage such an experience without the help of others to guide them and look out for them. I spent most of the day offering my arm to a 70-year-old woman named Lotte, who loved to draw pictures with felt-tipped markers that depicted all the various animals she saw. Marci and Olivia drew the admiration of a woman named Hennie, who liked to practice her English on them. Elliot became fast friends with a woman named Jolanda, who had Down's Syndrome. And on more than one occasion, the professional care-givers who accompanied the group mentioned that they were astonished to see how well their clients bonded with us. They were especially amazed to see the ways that Hennie and Jolanda responded, given that they are often prone to angry and aggressive responses to strangers  (even though we didn't see the smallest hint of this in their behavior yesterday).

All in all, it turned out to be a very productive experience of "going to church" for our family. I had a strong sense that Jesus was honored and blessed through the day, although his name was not frequently spoken, outside of the battery of questions regarding Jesus' ascension into Heaven that Lotte had for me as we walked past the giraffes and elephants.  We all felt exhausted by the time the day was finished, but satisfied: grateful for an opportunity to worship with our hands and feet.

On Sunday (the 29th of May), I spoke at Amsterdam50's weekly worship gathering on the topic of Marriage and Sex, applying wisdom from the Proverbs of Solomon to 21st Century life. On Monday (the 30th of May), my wife and I celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary. Consequently, I thought it might be interesting to adapt and improve some of my material on "The Goodness of Marriage" for use here on my blog, in serial form.

I started with providing a brief introduction to the series. I then followed up with a defense of marriage based on the topics of integrity, self-control, and submission. Now, in conclusion, I present some encouragement and exhortation for others to experience the Goodness of Marriage:

*     *     *     *     *

Marriage is good. I'm firmly convinced of this fact. As a father, I hope that my children will one day get to experience the goodness of a God-given marriage. Likewise, as a pastor, I sincerely hope that many of the people in my church will get to experience the goodness of a God-given marriage. In our church, particularly, I'm always struck by the fact that we've got a lot of single people in our church -- dozens and dozens of people who are highly eligible and genuinely ready for marriage. Therefore, I think there's something really healthy about regularly celebrating the goodness of sex and the goodness of marriage -- blessing and encouraging young people to “Be fruitful and multiply!” (Genesis 1:28)

In order to experience the goodness of marriage, however, I've come to realize that some of the people in my church actually need to be encouraged to lower their standards a bit.

It sounds crazy to say this, doesn't it? But I've seen it so many times that it's hard to ignore. So many people are looking so desperately for “Mr. Right” or “Ms. Right” -- and in all the frantic searching for that special someone who shares all one's interests and completely conforms to the perfect physical specimen one had envisioned for one's spouse, people end up missing out on some really quality people right in front of them! Proverbs 31:30 says, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Don't forget: No matter who you end up with, they’re going to disappoint you in some way. But if you can find someone who fears the LORD, then you’re off to a really good start.

For other people within my church, I've come to see that they need to be encouraged to raise their standards a bit, in order to experience the goodness of marriage.

Too many men and women underestimate themselves. They just jump at the first person who catches their eye or expresses an interest in them, and such situations inevitably backfire. Time and time again, I've had to tell young people that a level of spontaneity and spark is nice -- but it’s not going to work out well, if you join yourself with someone who will ultimately bring you down emotionally and spiritually. Proverbs 12:4 says that "A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones." Beyond this reference, there are two separate places in the Proverbs (Proverbs 21:9 and Proverbs 25:24) where it says, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” And then Proverbs 21:19 takes it even a step further: “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife!” As good as marriage can be, if it's provided as a gift from the Lord, it can also be very, very bad if it's not pursued with wisdom and a modicum of foresight.

By all means, I like to encourage people to pursue the goodness of sex and marriage! But this encouragement and exhortation must be tempered with wisdom, balance, and realistic expectations if marriage is to be truly experienced as goodness.

On Sunday (the 29th of May), I spoke at Amsterdam50's weekly worship gathering on the topic of Marriage and Sex, applying wisdom from the Proverbs of Solomon to 21st Century life. On Monday (the 30th of May), my wife and I celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary. Consequently, I thought it might be interesting to adapt and improve some of my material on "The Goodness of Marriage" for use here on my blog, in serial form.

I started with providing a brief introduction to the series, and I followed that up with a defense of marriage based on the topic of integrity, and a defense of marriage based on the topic of self-control. Now finally leading up to my conclusion, I move on to a defense of marriage based on the topic of submission:

*     *     *     *     *

The idea of "integrity" still has a good deal of appeal in our culture, don't you think? "Self-control" might be a step down from there, but it's still somewhat positive. "Submission," though? The word sounds unpleasant. It feels like oppression. It seems like something to be avoided.

But I actually believe that there's something really beautiful about submission. I believe this to be true in all areas of human relationships, but especially within the context of marriage. We need to affirm and uphold the goodness of marriage because it is an example of submitting ourselves to the greater wisdom of the Bible and historical precedent. Now, even though this ultimately falling back on the classic "because the Bible says so" kind of argument -- which doesn’t always sit well with our cultural preferences -- I still think it's a valid argument!

Proverbs 22:28 says, "Do not move an ancient boundary stone set up by your forefathers." Just because we're strong enough to pick up a stone and smart enough to establish a reasonably-coherent argument for relocating some particular stone, that doesn't mean that we should just go ahead and do it. That stone may well be there for a good reason, and moving such an ancient boundary is needlessly endangering ourselves. As simplistic as it may sound to say so, I believe we shouldn't be quick to dismiss the witness of the Bible and of historical precedent. We like to think we know better; but honestly, this isn't usually the case. Of course, submitting to the Bible's teaching on the subject of marriage requires a degree of humility and submission. But if any authority is worth submitting to, it's God and the Bible. We may not always understand all of the reasons behind any of the Bible's directives, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't submit.

In any event, I can speak from practical experience that a lot of submission and sacrifice (mutual submission and sacrifice!) has to happen in order for a marriage (or any kind of long-term relationship) to work out. Two different people have two different perspectives, and unless a couple is going to spend all their time arguing, they have to quickly figure out ways to compromise and submit to one another. Submission is useful for upholding the goodness of marriage, and for making marriage good. To read more on this subject, Ephesians 5 provides some excellent thoughts for supporting the value of submission, particularly within the context of marriage -- but I’ll let you read that for yourself, if you want to hear more about the value of submission and sacrifice. I just think I'd be remiss if I didn't simply state: There is wisdom and benefit in submission.

On Sunday (the 29th of May), I spoke at Amsterdam50's weekly worship gathering on the topic of Marriage and Sex, applying wisdom from the Proverbs of Solomon to 21st Century life. On Monday (the 30th of May), my wife and I celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary. Consequently, I thought it might be interesting to adapt (and improve) some of my material on "The Goodness of Marriage" for use here on my blog, in serial form. Now that I've provided a brief introduction to the series, and a defense of marriage based on the topic of integrity, I now move on to a defense of marriage based on the topic of self-control:

*     *     *     *     *

The Proverbs also have a lot to say about self-discipline and self-control, as an expression of wisdom; and I think that saving sex for marriage is an excellent way to develop this kind of self-control.

Proverbs 20:25 says, "It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider his vows." Of course, this could certainly apply to situations of rushed marriages (i.e. "shotgun weddings") just as much as to premarital sex. So maybe that spontaneous city hall / wedding-in-the-park idea is not the best choice for initiating a lifetime of commitment! :-) But actually... at least with a scenario like that, there’s a moment of pause when the city official asks if you’re really, consciously, committing to each other, and again when you make public promises to each other in front of friends and in front of God. It slows the process down a bit and allows for clear-headedness. Waiting to have sex until after being married is an excellent way to foster self-control and provide some time for considering one's vows, outside the "heat of the moment" and the rush of hormones that can heavily influence a couple in those private bedroom decisions.

Proverbs 25:28 says, "Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control." And in the same way, a couple without self-control is going to be extremely susceptible to attacks. The relationship is exponentially more-likely to crumble. As old-fashioned as saving sex for marriage may sound to some people, I have yet to see a better way to test and demonstrate self-control in a relational context. Self-control is a foundational element in building trust and establishing a healthy relationship. Especially in a marriage relationship! No matter what (even if you're married to the most beautiful, most kind, most affectionate person), there will be times of temptation and doubt and compromised emotions, when decisions have to be made on the basis of self-discipline and not just on what's happening in the moment. Therefore, waiting to have sex until after marriage is a great way to exercise self-discipline -- and to see if your partner is willing / able to exercise that same level of self-discipline.

Self-control may actually be something of a misnomer -- as I actually believe that we need to let the Holy Spirit control us, in order to fully live as God intends us to live. But according to Galatians 5, one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit in our lives is "self-control," and I'm suggesting that this is precisely what is needed in order for a relationship to succeed.

On Sunday (the 29th of May), I spoke at Amsterdam50's weekly worship gathering on the topic of Marriage and Sex, applying wisdom from the Proverbs of Solomon to 21st Century life. On Monday (the 30th of May), my wife and I celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary. Consequently, I thought it might be interesting to adapt (and improve) some of my material on "The Goodness of Marriage" for use here on my blog, in serial form. Now that I've provided a brief introduction to the series, I'm moving on to a defense of marriage based on the topic of integrity:

*     *     *     *     *

Integrity basically means having one's words and one's actions in alignment with each other. The word speaks of wholeness and entirety, where the exterior is made of the same stuff as the interior. It’s solid all the way through. And the Proverbs regularly say that there’s wisdom and protection when a person walks in integrity. For instance, Proverbs 11:3 says, "The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity." I think we probably all get this on a pretty intuitive level. But basically, I believe embracing marriage -- both in word and in deed -- is a way to walk in integrity.

Just about everyone would probably agree that it's not good when someone promises that they're going to be faithful to another person (i.e. in a wedding ceremony), and then later on, he or she lacks integrity and breaks that promise... But I would contend that it's also not good when someone takes action (even loving, faithful, monogamous action) without being willing to put words to it and accept the "complete package" of a marital relationship -- because this is also a lack of integrity. A person who plays the part of being married while not actually being married does not have his or her actions and words in proper alignment.

Again, according to the Proverbs, there is a strength and blessing that comes from walking in integrity. Proverbs 13:6 says, "Righteousness guards the person of integrity, but wickedness overthrows the sinner." And Proverbs 10:9 says, "Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out."

So you know those people who say, ““What’s the big deal with marriage?” and “Do I really need some piece of paper from the government or the blessing of some religious leader in order to stay committed to the person of my choice?!?” I can totally understand their point! But if they’re saying that the government paperwork and the outward ceremonies are just not that important, I would just say, "OK -- if it's not that big of a deal, why don't you just do it?" Anyone who wanted to could make an appointment with the city hall (in Amsterdam, the waiting period for processing this paperwork is typically about six weeks) and get all the appropriate legal paperwork on file. Then following the civil ceremony, I would be more than willing to meet the couple in the park afterwards with some friends to "officiate" an informal wedding ceremony and help commit their relationship to God.

Indeed it doesn't have to be some "big white wedding" that costs thousands and thousands of euros! The bride could be holding a bouquet of daisies and dandelions, and it would still be a meaningful moment. But there's still something to an actual wedding (however informal it may be) which allows for a degree of integrity which a couple just doesn’t get with private bedroom decisions.

Of course, we all want to avoid the lack of integrity that comes with marriages full of broken promises and adultery -- and we've all seen far too much of this in the last couple generations of societal development. However, the antidote to this problem is not to just drop the titles and promises. It's to live in integrity, with our words and actions in alignment. God blesses integrity.