Two weeks ago, I asked if it was possible to contend without being contentious. As a Christian leader, I believe that there are absolute truths which require us to stand up and contend for what's right; however, I'm also challenged by the biblical directives that a Christian leader is supposed to be "temperate, self-controlled, respectable... (and) not quarrelsome" (see 1 Timothy 3:1-12). Christians are supposed to be characterized by a sense of love and unity, not arrogance and antagonism. But seldom is this ideal truly realized; sadly, it's often the exact opposite.

So I've been thinking about different ideas for how to contend with this contentious characteristic of contemporary Christians -- and I thought I would share a few of my suggestions here. It's not a complete list, but perhaps it's a starting point:

1. Pick your battles. The number one way to come across as a contentious Christian is to have a strong and unwavering opinion on every single issue. And why?!? It's exhausting, unneccessary... and unbiblical! The Bible directly addresses this by saying, "Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters" (Romans 14:1). So when experiencing friction with other beliefs or opinions, it can be very helpful to ask: "Is this a hill that I'm really willing to die upon?" Most of the time it probably isn't. So don't.
2. Believe the best about others. The truth is that the vast majority of people -- even the most disagreeable or misinformed individuals -- are motivated primarily by good intentions. They love their friends and family. They don't like to see others suffer. They feel normal human emotions and think normal human thoughts. Unless you're dealing with Hitler or Stalin or some other notorious sociopath, it's doesn't do anyone any good to demonize a person with a different view on any given subject. Oh, and in case you're tempted to believe that you're dealing with a Hitler or a Stalin, you're probably not. Seriously. You're not.
3. Start with self-examination. When contending with someone on a particular subject, a particularly effective, non-contentious way of interacting with the issues at hand is to approach things from an attitude of self-examination. How do you fall short of your own ideals? Which mistakes can you own up to, even if they might have come from good intentions? Self-deprecating humor can work well, too. It's surprising how agreeable others can become, if you're just willing to put yourself in the hot seat instead of attacking others.
4. Argue from the positive side of things, as much as possible (if you really must argue). As my friend Marco recently put it, "If someone is convinced that Apple is better than Microsoft, it is more compelling to me when they focus more on the arguments 'for' Apple, rather than putting much emphasize on why Microsoft would be so bad." How much more true should this be for more important personal and spiritual issues! If you can't come up with the positive points for whatever it is that you believe, then maybe you should be reconsidering your own position.
   
5. Admit that you might be wrong. A tiny bit of humility goes a long, long way towards reducing contentious communication. Even if it's only the tiniest 0.00000001% chance that you might be wrong on a given topic, just admit it.

What do you think? Any other tips that you might suggest for contending without being contentious? Or do you want to fight me on any of these suggestions. :-)

I should offer the disclaimer that my goal in addressing this topic is not stripping ourselves down to totally non-offensive, vanilla-flavored, non-committal communication! An excessively argumentative attitude is not good, but neither is elusive agnosticism about everything. The extremes can be unhealthy in either direction. I've said before, and I'll say it again: balance is best. But even as I express this wish for balance, I freely admit that I'm hopelessly pastoral in thinking through these things -- even while I appreciate the value of those with strong prophetic gifting. My main hope in laying out these thoughts is to create a dialogue in things like this that allow us to stick closely to the ideal expressed in Ephesians 4, with different people using their different expressions of God's grace "so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ."