In my experience, learning to ask good questions is one of the keys to developing deeper relationships, engaging in more meaningful conversation, and enacting real life change (both in myself and in others).  And yet, for some reason, it doesn’t seem to be an instinctive behavior.

At least I can speak for myself.  When I left my parents’ home for the first time (at the age of 18) and traveled to Bowling Green State University in northwest Ohio, I think one of the best descriptions that you could have used for me in those days was "socially awkward."  Somehow I made it all the way to that point in life and I just didn’t know how to handle conversations.  I would be kind of shy and quiet in social situations.  If anyone attempted to initiate conversation with me, I would only "hold the defensive position" -- answering any questions that were asked of me with as few words as possible and hardly ever daring to ask even the most basic questions of the other person (which is, by the way, not a good way to develop meaningful communication!).  The only way that the conversation would open up in any way was if you just so happened to hit upon one of the few subjects in which I felt more well-acquainted -- such as American sports, in which case I could (and did) talk rather extensively (and probably too extensively).  But that was about it.

Then God gave me the gift of my freshman-year roommate, Ben.  Ben was the complete opposite of me:  very outgoing, very much the "life of the party" -- and totally masterful at initiating and maintaining conversation with anyone and everyone who came across his path.  We’d just go to lunch in the cafeteria closest to our dorm, and we’d end up making a new friend there in the cafeteria, talking for hours at a time with someone we just met that afternoon... We’d be playing basketball at the Student Recreation Center, and we’d end up having long, drawn-out conversations about the most bizarre subjects, like the history of a little town called Carey, Ohio, or the current state of events regarding Mexican immigration to the United States!  Seriously, Ben was a master at conversations.  I always used to say that he could make friendly with anyone or anything -- even a stray dog, or a scarecrow, or a rock.  And as I watched him, I realized that a lot of it had to do with the way that he asked questions.

Ben had an amazing way of asking questions that could draw a person out, induce hours of conversation, and make the other person in the conversation feel like the most fascinating person in the world.  He would look at a T-shirt that the other person was wearing and ask a question related to it:  "The Cincinnati Reds, huh?!  Now why would you like a team like that?!"  Or if he learned one piece of information about the other person, he would figure out some way to relate that to something from his own life:  "You’re from Chicago, huh?  Now I’ve heard some people tell me that the best pizza in the world comes from Chicago, but I don’t know about that.  What do you think?"  And even if he could only get a person to talk about one little (maybe really obscure) thing, he would milk that one thing for all it was worth: "You play the harmonica, huh?  Well, what do you think about Blues Traveler?  I heard that guy can’t play harmonica worth crap, but everyone else thinks he can; what’s your opinion?"  Again, I really think it just came down to making the other person feel special and interesting and worth drawing out.  It was entering that other person’s world and crawling around inside it with them for awhile that made the conversation keep going.

Eventually, I started trying some of Ben’s skills for myself -- and I learned that they really worked!  Now I use them almost every day.   But I still have to wonder:  Why do these things not come naturally to us?

I was reading a business article called "The Art of Powerful Questions" which suggested that one reason may be that much of Western culture focuses on having the "right answer" rather than discovering the "right question."  That is, our educational system focuses more on memorization and repetition of facts than on the "art of seeking new possibilities."  In fact, people who ask tough questions are often considered to be trouble-makers!  And on top of all this, we just keep so darn busy that we don’t usually get the opportunity to participate in long, drawn-out, reflective conversations where we can explore deep questions and creative possibilities...

So, it seems to me that we have to start by giving ourselves (and those around us) permission to ask good questions and not just jump into "answer mode."  This is important for all people, I think -- but I would suggest that this message is especially necessary for people who follow Jesus.  Contrary to what popular opinion on the subject might seem to be, we don’t have to fall into the classic role of "Christian Know-It-All!"  We can let conversations about faith (or other things) be true dialogues (two-part conversations) and not just "Ask the expert" sessions, in which we automatically presume ourselves to be the experts.  We can respond to good questions with other questions -- trying to get at the question behind the question.

Here’s a personal example:  Not too long ago, I was going somewhere with my kids in the bakfiets.  And as we were riding along, one of my kids asked a very interesting question:  "Dad, is it OK for a dolphin to touch your private parts?"  Weird question, right?  Kids ask weird questions all the time, and there was a pretty decent possibility that there was nothing really meaningful about this question... But then again, maybe there was.  So what were my possible responses in a situation like that?

"No, of course not!"

"What a silly question!  I don’t think you ever have to worry about a dolphin trying something like that (especially considering how much contact you actually have with dolphins!)."

"What?!?  Where did that question come from?!?  What kind of perverted dolphins have you been hanging around with lately?!?"

In the end, I decided to use the question to draw out more information.  I said something like, "That’s an interesting question.  What makes you wonder that?"  And from that conversation, I learned about a time when another little kid had tried to sexually experiment with my child and had become increasingly creative as their advances were denied.  Fortunately, we've trained our children that their private parts are private.  "The only people allowed to touch you there are yourself, Mommy and Daddy, and the doctor (and even then, only if Mommy or Daddy is with you)."  And that if anyone else ever tries to touch their private parts, they are to respond by emphatically saying "NO!" and reporting the incident to us as soon as possible.  But there was this one time when another kid was playing over at our house, in the basement, and our guest started off by suggesting that they play with each others’ private parts. ("No!") And then they tried suggesting that they pretend to be doctors, "because doctors can touch your private parts" (But fortunately, again our kid said "No")... And then the suggestion became that they could pretend to be dolphins, since dolphins can touch your private parts. (Fortunately, our kid said "No" a third time, and then eventually brought the matter up in discussion with me on the bakfiets that day).  So when that original question was posed, it turned out to be a very strategic opportunity to reinforce the lessons that we’ve been trying to teach our children and make ourselves more aware of some of the pressures that our kids are facing.  All that to say:  Questions can be the doorway to more questions and good conversation.

The same is true about classic spiritual questions, like:  "Why would a good God allow innocent people to suffer?"  Or, "Why do bad things happen to good people?"  These questions can often be more personal than philosophical.  Maybe the person who’s asking the questions has experienced deep pain in his or her life.  Maybe she’s the "innocent people" that she’s asking about!  Or maybe it’s her Dad or her best friend...  Aren't things like this typically the root of all our most meaningful questions?  Seriously, think about it.  Maybe the question "What does God really think of homosexuality?" really means, "I love my brother so much and I appreciate so many of the ways that he looks at the world and interacts with people -- but what are we supposed to do with the sections of the Bible that seem to come into conflict with his homosexual feelings?"  Or maybe the question "Do you believe in predestination?" is really a question wondering how God could make a "deliberate plan" for that person’s dad to die at a young age and leave him without a father for most of his formative years.

You see, there’s a story behind just about every question.  You won’t ever know these things, though, unless you ask questions to draw the other person out.

Jesus was an incredible model of dealing with people in this way!  He asked powerful questions -- and often in cases where you would think that a well-worded answer would have been a whole lot more "appropriate" than a question.  Take the Gospel of Luke, for example.  A surprising percentage of the "red text" from Luke comes in the form of questions.  Did you know, in fact, that Jesus’ first words recorded are two questions right in a row? (Luke 2:49).  When the Pharisees started spreading negative misinformation about him  -- Jesus responded with questions (Luke 5:21-23, 7:39-42, 20:1-8). When his disciples came to a crisis of faith, he asked questions  (Luke 8:25).  When his very identity was at stake -- he asked questions (Luke 9:18-20).  Even when people asked him, point-blank, for the means to salvation (Luke 10:25-28, 18:18-20), Jesus responded with questions!  To me, it seems quite clear that Jesus understood that there is tremendous opportunity in asking questions, and even answering questions with questions!

So for those who would want to initiate and enter into these types of dialogues more regularly, dealing with deep questions openly, I would just encourage people to relax and respond to the questions wisely and patiently.  Don’t make assumptions.  Don’t jump to conclusions.  Don’t freak out.  Don’t answer questions that aren’t being asked yet.  Just engage... Draw out... Be patient.

But how do we really do this?  What separates a good question from a bad question?  Or how can we turn a good question into a great question?  Figuring these things out may actually be more intuitive than you might think. For example, if you were an Olympic judge scoring the power of questions on a scale from one to ten (with ten being the highest), how would you rate the following queries?

1. What time is it?
2. Did you take a shower?
3. What possibilities exist that we haven’t thought of yet?
4. What does it mean to be ethical?

I took those questions from the "Art of Powerful Questions" article that I mentioned previously, and it turns out that those same questions have been tested in several different cultures -- with the results showing that no matter what the cultural differences, people quite consistently rate questions one and two as being less powerful, and questions three and four as being more powerful.  Thus, powerful questions transcend many boundaries. This same article would say that a "powerful question" is one that:

• generates curiosity in the listener
• stimulates reflective conversation
• is thought-provoking
• surfaces underlying assumptions
• invites creativity and new possibilities
• generates energy and forward movement
• channels attention and focuses inquiry
• stays with participants
• touches a deep meaning
• evokes more questions

The authors of this article go on to suggest three dimensions to powerful questions:  construction, scope, and assumptions. And I thought that it could be especially useful to mention some of their thoughts about the Construction of a Question... As you might be able to guess, this is talking about the specific way that a question is phrased:  Is it a yes/no question? Is it an either/or question? Which word does the question begin with?  When surveyed, most people rank these words from more powerful to less powerful as follows:

1. Why?
2. How?
3. What?
4. Who? / When? / Where?
5. Which? / Yes/No Questions

So if we use words higher up on that scale, we can make our questions more powerful.  For example, consider the following sequence:

• Are you satisfied with our home group?
• When have you been most satisfied with our home group?
• What is it about our home group that you find most satisfying?
• Why might it be that that our home group has had its ups and downs?

As you move from the simple "yes/no" question at the beginning toward the "why" question at the end, you’ll notice that the questions tend to stimulate more and more reflective thinking and deeper levels of conversation.  But there is a word of caution, here:  You have to be careful when you use a "why" question.  If it’s not done well, it can easily bring about a defensive response  (Consider the drastic difference in tone between the question, "Now why did you do it that way?" and "Hmm, I wonder why that happened?").  If you can start from a place of sympathy and respect for the other person, you’ll get a lot further.

Those are a few things that I've been thinking about lately, at any rate... But I'm curious:  Any questions? :-)

(This post is adapted from a message originally given at the Zolder50 Soul Gathering on 19 June 2009.  Full text of my teaching notes is available for download here).