I'm so tired.  Feeling relatively happy and satisfied -- but totally exhausted.  We've been installing our "new" kitchen this week, and it's taken a lot out of me.  I thought I was tired before it even started -- what with all the planning, preparation, deliberation, and dreaming.  And then, the last two nights before we started in on the actual installation, I slept horribly.  Marci and I quarelled.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I felt challenged to the core of my being:  Am I man enough?  Can I rise to the challenge?  Can I successfully lead (not just participate) in completing such "man work?"  What could the results possibly be from carrying so much weight of responsibility (for our considerable financial investments, for the safety of our children, for the satisfaction of my wife) on shoulders as scrawny as mine?

To say the least:  I was seriously worried and anxious.

In retrospect, I wonder how much of this was related to other issues of identity -- totally unrelated to kitchen renovation.  I can read those questions from the first paragraph, above, and totally parallel those concerns with the position in church leadership in which I currently find myself (now in the immediate aftermath of Todd's departure and embarking on my first days as "solo pastor").  I really don't know how much of this projection was actually taking place (I could be completely over-analyzing the situation).  All I know is that I was worried sick, going into this kitchen installation project.  What if the cupboards don't get securely fastened to the wall?  What if I break something?  What if we crack the granite countertop while trying to saw it down to size (this was an especially big concern, since so many had warned us of the strength-yet-fragility of granite)?  What if I can't get the plumbing hooked up properly, and we have water spraying all over the place?

Sheesh... I was so worried.

But then, on Tuesday morning, just before the actual installation was to begin, I took a walk.  I knew ahead of time that I would need to be good and "prayed up" for the day ahead of me -- so I could keep a positive attitude, respond well to the inevitable set-backs that would come, treat my wife and children decently throughout the day, and just generally stay filled with the Spirit -- and walking is one of the best aids to prayer that I know.  And while I was walking and praying -- all knotted up and anxious on the inside -- it felt like God pulled my mind toward Philippians 4:4-13.  It was just what I needed:  "Rejoice... always... Rejoice!"... "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God"... "peace of God"... "the God of peace will be with you"... "content whatever the circumstances"... "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."  I felt like the "everything"s offered direct application to the situation with my kitchen renovations.  And in the course of that walk -- though I still felt a twinge of nervous energy throughout that first day -- I felt God breathing courage and strength back into me.  It was glorious.

When I got back home, I printed out the text of Philippians 4:4-13 and taped it to the kitchen window, where I'd be able to see it all day and throughout the installation process.  And I have to say -- though the process has not been without its setbacks -- I've experienced the strength and assurances of Philippians 4.

The learning curvein this installation process has been steep.  Within the first hour of installation, we had one large cabinet accidentally crash to the ground, sustaining some damage to the piece -- and to our optimism... But fortunately both were reparable.  Even once we started making genuine (safe and sustainable) progress, it was painfully slow -- not getting our first cabinet hung until lunch-time (even though we had started first thing in the morning!).  But we've figured it out along the way, each step of the way, and I think the end results are going to be fabulous.  We did not crack the granite countertop (though we could have better left it a couple of centimeters longer).  We did get the kitchen sink hooked up properly (though it probably took me about 6 man-hours and trips to 8 different plumbing supply places to get everything working, whereas someone with more experience probably could have done it all within an hour or so!).  We did get all of the hanging cabinets and built-in appliances securely installed.  And we managed to stay remarkably positive throughout the experience (which, it should probably be noted, is still not completely finished!).

But I am definitely exhausted at this point.  I don't think that's such a bad thing.  It does mean, though, that I'm going to have to keep going back to God for more strength and reassurance -- through the completion of the kitchen installation (3 more cabinets, 1 more counter-top, plinthing, caulking, touch-up painting, etc.)... through the flooring being replaced in about 60 percent of the entire house... through pastoring a church... through raising kids... and all that good stuff.

I just have to figure out where would be the best place to tape up that Philippians print-out for the rest of my life.