[This is part six of a series on Dating and Relationships:  bypassing Christian rhetoric and examining the best models for interactions between men and women with candor, honesty, and directness.  Tough questions are encouraged, controversy is invited, and the submission of differing opinions is welcomed -- so please feel free to comment as often as you'd like.]

We've had a bit of a dramatic pause in this series on Dating and Relationships (which, ironically, personifies the ultimate result of these processes of Dating and Relationships and Sexuality and Spirituality that I've been outlining in in this space recently)... But now it is time to conclude this series.  And in my practically-oriented mind, it's always best to finish with the question:  So what?

Maybe you've asked a lot of the same questions that we've been asking in this series... But so what?  Maybe you found yourself nodding your head in agreement and understanding of my explanation of the scale between the Fonz and Lady Dashwood regarding various dating philosophies... But so what?  Maybe you enjoyed hearing the story of how Marci and I got together... But so what?  Perhaps you were able to pick up a few pointers from our successes and failures... But so what?  Maybe you can intellectually assent to the principles for dating as a decision-making process that I laid out... But really -- so what?

When it all boils down, what is the end-result?  In the "real world" of day-to-day living and interacting with the opposite sex, what should be our protocol and practices for dating and relationships?  This is essentially what I'm asking when I say "So what?"  Wouldn't we all like to know the answers to these types of questions?

Unfortunately, I cannot really offer any definitive black-and-white answers for these questions.

The fact of the matter is that personally, I don't believe there is any single "right" way to go about dating and relationships.  I don't hold to any hard-fast rules for getting from Point A (singleness) to Point B (marriage).  In fact, I think that this process is quite necessarily different for each individual and for each couple.  I know some couples who started as high school sweethearts, beginning with purely casual dating (just having fun together in social situations, with no concrete goals for their relationship in mind), and and who then progressed very slowly toward deeper commitment -- going from casual dating to declaring an exclusive dating relationship to engagement to marriage -- and things have worked out well for them.  I know other couples who started with quiet captivation and unspoken affection, nursed by prayer and cautious observation over a period of months or even years before jumping into a relatively brief period of serious "courting" followed by engagement and marriage within a few short months -- and things have worked out well for them as well.  I know couples who have covered the ground from Point A (singleness) to Point B (marriage) in three months or so; and I know couples who have stretched this process out over the better part of a decade -- but I honestly can't say declare that things have turned out significantly better or worse for one or the other (at least not purely on the basis of how they got into the relationship in the first place).  I know happy and healthy couples who have met in stereotypical social environments... in Bible studies... in on-line forums... in church youth groups... and in match-made situations (i.e. blind dates, even arranged marriages)... thus, clearly it would seem that none of these individual variables are independently determinative.  Quite simply, different styles of dating and relationships have different strengths and weaknesses -- and really, who am I to declare that one way is the "right" way to approach dating and relationships, and another is the "wrong" way?!?!

Even so, that doesn't mean that the "So what?" questions are entirely irrelevant or unanswerable.

The fact of the matter is that guiding principles and a general understanding of the unique challenges represented in dating relationships can be very valuable and instructive -- even if the end results end up looking and feeling remarkably different.  Too often, we're tempted to pit models and techniques against each other, without considering the most foundational principles that can transcend any particular terminology or philosophy.  Thus, if I were to bypass the specifics of who should say what at which point -- and narrow it all down to a few basic principles, I would encourage any singles or prospective couples to focus their attention on communication, consideration, and conditionality (yes, I realize that the alliterated three-point conclusion might be a bit cheesy and clichéed -- but it can be a useful mnemonic device nevertheless!).  I'll do my best to briefly explain what I mean...

Communication, as previously suggested in this series, is one of the most important elements in any kind of relationship.  As unromantic as it may seem, I encourage young couples (or prospective couples) to be as explicit and deliberate as possible in defining terminology, phraseology, and expectations -- even from the earliest days of a relationship.  It's important to realize that specific sets of behaviors are called by dozens of different names -- depending on cultural background, family background, and life experience.  One person's "dating" is another person's "courting" and still another person's "pre-engagement" (you get the idea)...  The words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" have strong semantic associations for different people.  Using the phrase "I love you" can mean surprisingly different things to different people.  Even the act of "asking someone out" or going on a "first date" can create widely varying expectations, depending on the individual (oh, the stories I could tell from the misunderstandings that I've heard cropping up along these lines!)...

Again, I think it's beneficial to establish clear communication on some of these tricky issues from the very beginning of a relationship.  Granted, it can be awkward or uncomfortable to deal with these topics on a first or second date.  Still, conversation along these lines doesn't have to take on the character of an interrogation or an inquisition!  It can take on the form of talking about what each other's families and parents' relationships are like.  It can be telling funny stories from previous relational misunderstandings.  It can be painting idealistic pictures of how one always dreamed one's life would look like... Or, then again, it could be simple and straightforward -- asking when a particular terminology comes up, "So what do you mean when you use that word?"  These are just a few ideas or suggestions.  Regardless of how it's accomplished, good communication is foundational to a successful relationship.

As a second point, Consideration means thinking first and foremost to the interests of the other person, over and above one's own self-interests.  Of course, this is a fundamental part of living as a disciple of Jesus Christ.  But particularly in the context of dating and relationships, it can be extremely valuable to continually put yourself in a place where you're constantly evaluating everything you say and do in the context of how it might affect the other person.  Not only is this good practice for marriage (should anything eventually come of the dating process) -- but it's simply the loving and caring thing to do (which is supposedly what dating and relationships are all about)!

To reiterate what I've already said earlier, I don't believe that there is any inherrently wrong way to go about expressing interest in the possibilities of a romantic relationship with another person, or any inherrently wrong way to go about developing that relationship (within the guidelines provided in the Bible, as ennumerated in the previous episode of this series)...  In fact, there is a lot of freedom of expression and allowance for individuality -- except when it comes to hurting another person.  In 1 Corinthians 8:9-13, the Apostle Paul is remarkably clear and to the point in his exhortation toward selfless and considerate attitudes in the expression of one's "rights" and freedoms in Christ.  If it's going to cause the other person to stumble, don't do it!  Maybe it doesn't mean anything to you to ask someone out on a date -- but if it will stir serious emotions within that other person, then think carefully before you ask that person out and act carefully in the early stages of a relationship... Maybe it doesn't really mean anything to you to give a "harmless" peck on the cheek at the end of an evening out -- but if it will set the other person off in the direction of lust and sexually impure thoughts, then don't do it... Maybe in your mind the word "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is a casual word that doesn't necessarily mean anything serious or long-term -- but if the other person will be tempted to be misled or to draw inappropriate conclusions about the long-term trajectory of your relationship, then refrain from using that word until the right time!  And in all these things, when in doubt, refer to the principles for Communication listed above.

From the message of Jesus and from my own experience (and vicarious experience through conversation with countless other individuals), I've seen time and time again how important it is consider the emotional needs of the other person, before following any particular course of action because of your own desires or "needs."  Without a doubt, Consideration can be an invaluable tool to developing healthy guidelines in dating and relationships.

And finally, it can be useful to think about dating and relationships in terms of Conditionality.  Conditionality in such a context means that any male/female relationship -- no matter how cosmic, powerful, and meaningful as it might seem at any given moment, to one or both parties involved -- must maintain a degree of tentativity, separation, and restraint all the way until the marriage vows are spoken before God and each other.  Proverbs 4:23, one of the most valuable verses (if not the most valuable verse) for people considering dating and relationships, says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."  This means withholding portions of oneself -- as unromantic as it may seem -- until such a time that the union can be complete; and until the wedding vows are actually exchanged, there's really no way of knowing for sure if that other person will be one's future spouse.  Again, I'll leave the specific interpretation up to you -- but please, if anyone out there is trying to navigate their way through the treacherous terrain of dating and relationships, please remember to guard your heart above all else, for it is the wellspring of life.

Without a doubt, the "So what?" questions can never be answered by some guy pouring his thoughts into the blogosphere.  These things are too personal, too individualized, too intangible.  Perhaps it was silly for me to even circle around the topic as much as I have.  But with these words of wisdom from the Great Book of Wisdom, I will close this series on Dating and Relationships.  If anyone would like to continue the dialogue in the "Comments" section of this post, I would be glad for the opportunity to interact further... And until next time, please, please remember -- above all else -- to guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.