[This is part five of a series on Dating and Relationships:  bypassing Christian rhetoric and examining the best models for interactions between men and women with candor, honesty, and directness.  Tough questions are encouraged, controversy is invited, and the submission of differing opinions is welcomed -- so please feel free to comment as often as you'd like.]

OK.  All right.  Where are we?  Let's see... I've covered the experiential aspect of my perspective on dating and relationships; so now I suppose it's time for the theoretical and philosophical... There are a lot of questions that go along these lines.  What are the basic underlying principles that should guide the interactions between single men and women?  How do we practically navigate the tensions between 21st Century concepts of romance and timeless Christ-centered concepts of general interpersonal conduct?  What should a godly relationship look like, sound like, and feel like?  What would God have to say (if anything) about dating and relationships?

So... I should start with clearly stating my belief that dating is nothing more than a social and cultural construct.  Not metaphysical or spiritual or transcendent -- merely cultural...  As such, I don't really believe in any single "Biblical" approach to dating and relationships in 21st Century Western society.  For more reasons than one, I think it's silly to ask the question:  HWJD? (How Would Jesus Date?).  If you tend to think this way, I won't criticize you -- but at least now you know a bit of where I'm coming from...

So, then, what is the best way to principally approach the idea of dating?  I believe that dating is, in essence, a decision-making process -- a way of processing the possibilities for potential life partners and making informed choices for the future.  I don't tend to think of it as a purely recreational activity or weekend hobby... I don't tend to think of it as a social learning process... I think of it as a decision-making process -- a custom-designed avenue for making a decision in gradual steps, over a period of time, considering a variety of criteria.  Consequently, I genuinely believe that dating should basically be treated as any other kind of decision-making process.  And on the more general level (apart from the specific question of dating), I've come to believe that decision-making is best accomplished through the consideration of five primary criteria:  the Bible, prayer, counsel from others, circumstances, and time (essentially in this order).  So let me show you a bit of what I mean, in the specific context of dating and relationships...

The Bible

The Bible is an invaluable tool for decision-making, as it provides timeless, black-and-white wisdom representing the very heart and mind of God for just about every imaginable area of human existence.  However, for the particular question at hand, I'm afraid the Bible actually says nothing about "dating" (or "courting").  I tried looking it up, actually, in my exhaustive NIV concordance, and the only associations I was able to come up with for the word(s) "date/dating" were references to "dates on the calendar" or the edible kind (like "nuts and dates") -- or, in the case of "court/courting" I could only find inferences of "courtyards to palaces" or "courts of law" or things like that...  In the historical period(s) and regional culture(s) of the Bible, male/female relationships were primarily arranged by the parents -- so unfortunately, specific guidelines for the more modern conventions of dating are hard to come by.  Even so, I believe that the Bible offers considerable wisdom relating to the general interaction between men and women, and thus (in a way) principles for dating and relationships.

From studying the Bible, we can learn how male/female relationships are a God-given, valuable, and meaningful part of life -- but they are not the be-all-end-all of human existence.  Relationships can be something powerful and useful for the Kingdom of God, but they are not a means of making someone "complete" (á la the climactic cinematic moment in "Jerry Maquire"); on the contrary, the Bible explicitly states that Jesus is all we need for life and godliness.  Once this basic footing can be established -- and male/female relationships are given their proper context -- the Bible also offers a lot of practical instruction for the issues of marriage, contentedness, and sexuality.  Another (unrelated) section of the Bible that I really wish every eligible single would take to heart in the beginning stages of considering a relationship is the crystal-clear mandate that followers of Jesus are not to be yoked (connected, linked, lashed together) to unbelievers.  Thus, particularly when it comes to the area of potentially joining lives together (which is essentially the goal of any sort of dating), I believe that the Bible says it's vitally important to limit the "playing field" to fellow believers in Christ.  Still other sections of the Bible can illuminate that basic principles for how men and women are ultimately designed to interact and the long-lasting effects of male/female relationships... So, yeah -- there's quite a bit in the Bible, actually, when you start to think about it!

Personally, I believe that the most significant Bible passages for young men and women pursuing involved in dating and relationships can be found in 1 Corinthians 8:9-13 -- encouraging selfless and considerate attitudes in the expression of one's "rights" and freedoms in Christ -- and Proverbs 4:23, which says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."  In the final episode of this series, I hope to explain exactly why I feel these passages are so important, and I hope to sketch out more of the application of these principles... But for now, I'll just leave it at that.

Suffice to say:  I believe that the Bible can offer a lot of wisdom and insight to the decision-making process that we call "dating."  Granted, you're not going to find much in the way of how to ask a girl out for a date, or what kind of specific physical boundaries should be maintained during the course of a dating relationship... But following the references above, I trust that anyone would be able to gain solid footing for making wise decisions in the area of dating and relationships.  Ultimately, the Scriptures' role is to establish the general boundaries and guidelines to guide the interactions between men and women -- with broad strokes and basic principles.  Building on this foundation, then, one can utilize the other criteria for godly decision-making, turning next to Prayer...

Prayer

It's not very common that God will speak audibly and specifically about a particular person or possibility (not altogether impossible, but not very common all the same).  Even so, prayer -- which is basically just communing and communicating with God -- can be a valuable way of bringing our will and emotions in line with God's.  Whenever a potential relationship is being considered, and whenever a potential relationship seems to hold promise for general alignment with the concrete guidelines laid out in the Bible, prayer can be a vital means of determining if it's right to pursue a relationship or not.  Through all of my conversations with different singles throughout the years, I've discovered that it's most beneficial to pray for (1) persistent peace from God and (2) persistent excitement about the other person.  If, over an extended period of prayer, it seems more and more that God is providing a sense of peace and direction toward a particular individual -- and if, over an extended period of prayer, the excitement toward that individual seems to build (and center around good and godly criteria)... then I'd suggest it might be wise to move toward the next element in godly decision-making:  Counsel from Others...

Counsel from Others

I believe that the Holy Spirit is a living and active part of each individual who has chosen to follow Christ.  And as such, there's something very powerful and divine about talking with other godly men and women who can help to evaluate any kind of decision-making situation (and especially situations involving dating and relationships).  For me, I've found it's especially valuable to process my emotions and ideas with people who have been with me through many seasons of life and have come to understand how I generally respond to certain stimuli and form opinions about various subjects.  They know me.  They know the traps that I can so quickly and blindly fall into.  They know if I'm stubbornly persisting in my will or humbly submitting myself to God's will -- and they can call me out on things and challenge me (or encourage me) accordingly.  Friends like these are invaluable!

In the context of dating and relationships, of course, it's foolish and immature to talk endlessly in circles about the possibilities for a relationship with a "special someone" with dozens of other people before actually talking to that "special someone" directly.  Such endless twittering is a passive (often subconscious) way of hoping that word will get around to that "special someone" without there actually having to be a real conversation that would make one feel vulnerable or uncomfortable... Let me be clear that this is not what I am advocating!  However, it could be very helpful to have relatively deep dialogue over a relatively extended period of time with a small circle of three or four friends who will keep any information completely confidential.  I would further suggest that these people should not just be "yes men" (or "yes women") who will rubber-stamp any action that one is thinking of taking -- but rather people who will ask the tough questions and provide the well-rounded feedback that is necessary for making a wise decision.  Generally speaking, you want people who are for you and with you -- who will pray with you and critically think through all of the possibilities -- but you don't want people who will just tell you what they think you want to hear.  You want real friends.  Ideally, these would be people from something like a life group and/or home group (the most basic "family" units around which we structure the community life of Zolder50).  But other considerations could include parents, siblings, pastors, home group leaders, roommates... I would just encourage singles who are thinking in the direction of dating and relationships to find somebody (or a group of somebodies) with whom they can talk!  In the early stages of moving toward a relationship, this kind of dialogue should be lighter and looser -- but as a relationship progresses, the conversation should become more probing and particular.  So whenever people get to a point where they feel that they've heard from God through His Word and through prayer, counsel from others can be a very meaningful and helpful element for furthering any decision-making process.  And then -- only then -- can one consider some of the Circumstances at hand...

Circumstances

It's really important to note that this should be further down the list when it comes to criteria helping to determine the results of a decision-making process.  But the fact of the matter is that God can and will sometimes use circumstances to help guide and direct our decisions.  Things like geographic proximity, career choices, social circles, and general timing can be good factors to consider in pursuing a relationship.  If, while considering a romantic relationship with someone else, these various circles seem to keep overlapping more and more -- then it could be a good sign that the relationship is meant to continue developing.  Or on the contrary, if these various circles seem to be diverging over time -- then it could be an indication that the relationship is not from God.  It can be dangerous to make assumptions from circumstances (particularly more shallow ones, like "If she smiles at me and scratches her nose when I say 'Hello,' then it means that she wants me to ask her out")... But I certainly wouldn't rule out the circumstances of a situation when considering decisions -- including decisions about dating.  With that said, in my opinion, the best safeguard for evaluating circumstances is Time...

Time

The thing about our emotions is that they can be fleeting and misleading.  Especially with male/female relationships, there are so many factors at play that it could really be wise to allow time for feelings to sort themselves out before taking any kind of significant action.  I don't think there's any magic time-frame that needs to be considered -- but I'd say that if you work through the entire process listed above in the space of a week or two, you're probably pushing it a bit.  As a rule of thumb in the area of dating and relationships, I might suggest a process for judging possibilities for a relationship from the guidelines in the Bible, to praying about it, to talking with others about it, to sorting out the circumstances over a period of at least three months before taking action.  A balance needs to be struck between agonizing and pining over a possibility for months and months (or years and years) -- and taking risks, opening oneself up emotionally, and giving things a try... But principally-speaking, I would suggest erring on the side of patience and caution (primarily on the basis of 1 Corinthians 8:9-13 and Proverbs 4:23, as mentioned previously).  Again, I'll explain more through my next post in this series...

At any rate, I have finally succeeded in spelling out some of my principles for dating and relationships that I've picked up along the way.  Perhaps they could be instructive... Perhaps they could be inflammatory.  As always, I welcome your feedback and dialogue on the subject (Remember, you can always comment anonymously!).

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As a post-script, I'm about ready to tie up this series on Dating and Relationships.  I'm planning one more post -- with a kind of "So what?" approach to the issue of dating in our culture today, summarizing some of my more practical observations on the subject.  But if there are any particular questions that have not yet been addressed in this series, please feel free to let me know.